Enter Guilt & Regret

Sweet Madden, I miss you.

Tomorrow it will be two months since I have seen your sweet face. I have realized in the short time that you have been gone that this isn’t going to get any easier. I am forever going to have that feeling that something is missing, that something isn’t quite right. My heart will forever feel a sense of loss. Time doesn’t heal. Time only numbs.

As days go by, guilt starts to consume.  I am consumed by guilt. I should have slept at the hospital more often. I shouldn’t have gone for lunch. I should have known something more was wrong, I am not a doctor but I am a smart woman...and I am your mom, I should have known. I should have pushed harder and fought harder. I should have held on to you longer. I should have told you I loved you more. I should have done more...

I am also consumed by regret. If I had known how things would turn out I would have held you more, kissed you more, told you I loved you more. I would have never taken my hands off of you. I wouldn’t have spent a single second away from you. I would have ignored my phone, my ipad, visitors, doctors, nurses...everything and everyone. I would have spent 3 months completely devoted to you.

There would be no doubt in my mind that you knew how loved you are.  I hope you know.

Life without you is hard. It will never be the same.

Your dad and I cry for you every single day. Your brothers really miss you too. Ryker will not sleep wtihout his sock monkey and Kaelin has started sleeping with a picture of you...among everything else of yours he sleeps with.

I believe you are happy up in heaven. Watching over your brothers, your dad and I. I know we will see you again one day. That day just feels too far away.

Your brothers and I decorated a pumpkin for you and brought it to the cemetery. I hope you like it.

There is another baby beside you already. It makes me so sad. I don’t think I single person has been back to visit this baby yet. I don’t know the situation, but I just don’t understand. It breaks my heart.

Please take care of this new little one up in heaven.

Halloween is tomorrow. If you were here I imagine you would have been a monkey. J Happy 1^st Halloween Madden.

I love you and miss you as big as the sky my sweet prince. Sending love, hugs and kisses up to heaven. Xox.