You are 1.

Madden,

This post should have been written a few days ago. Im sorry it didn't come sooner. The truth is, I have had a hard time bringing myself to sit down and write about your birthday. I just can't believe it has truly been a year since I first held you in my arms. I can't beleive you would be 1. Its hard because your birthday should be a celebration. It was the day you were born, the day I got to meet the sweet little boy growing inside me, the day I got to kiss your sweet cheeks. It was a day I will never forget.

As much as I want this year of firsts to pass I also want time to stop. I don't want to get any further from the memories. I dont want to get any further from the feeling of holding you in my arms. I don't want to forget the way you smelled, the way you smirked ot the wise-beyond-years look in your eyes. 

Your blankets hidden in my closet have lost your smell. I can't afford to lose memories too.

Your birthday. It really was a beautiful day...but it was hard. It was so hard. I probably cried 5x before 10am. I just so wish things were different. I know the angels were celebrating with you, I wish we got to celebrate together.

We started the day by dropping off a HUGE donation at the Stollery. So many people contributed to the donation. Well over 1500 items were donated in your name. The hospital staff were so overwhelmed. We were so overwhelmed. The love that was put into that donation came from far and wide. You are a very special little boy that has changed a lot of lives and will continue to do so for years to come.

Kaelin wanted to make a cake for your birthday. Him and I went to the grocery store and picked out all the supplies. Know that I love you even though your cake came from a box. Its just the only way your mom knows how to bake! Kaelin helped me make the cake and decorated it himself. This is how he chose to honor you on your birthday. He wanted to help make your day special, and he did. He sure misses you. Its hard to see him heartbroken.

Later on we went to your gravesite to release balloons. A lot of people that love you showed up to wish you a happy birthday. There were tons of balloons released. Each of those balloons had love in them for you and a message attached, I hope you got them all. I hope your birthday was a special day. I hope you felt so much love from all of us. I hope you looked down on us and knew how loved and missed you are.

Also, as of May 28th The Madden DeLuca Foundation is registered. It was a good day. People are going to know your name. People are going to hear your name and say your name because of something good that has happened to them. That means the world to me.

Happy 1st birthday Madden.

I love you. I love you so much.
Sweet dreams small prince.
xox
Momma