Tuesday 29 January 2013

Pennies From Heaven

I have read in numerous books lately and have been told by multiple people that when you find a penny its a sign meaning that someone who has passed on is thinking about you...pennies from heaven.

I have read it so many places and have bought into this belief. I never used to notice pennies...but I do now. Maybe its because I never had a reason to find them before. Or better yet maybe I never had an angel leaving them for me before.

Lately I find pennies everywhere. I love it. I believe that Madden is thinking about me and misses me.

Last night I went to get into bed and pulled back the cover, there sitting on my pillow was a shiny little penny. I usually cry when I am going to sleep because its that quiet time when I am left to my own thoughts. Last night I smiled.

The other day I had to run out to my car to grab two little things for my niece from her carseat. When I came inside and put them down on the counter a little penny fell from my hands. No doubt in my mind, a penny from my sweet prince. A small reminder that not only am I thinking of him, but that he is thinking of me too. It warms the pieces of my broken heart.

I have a small jar that I keep these pennies in at home because I believe they are a little gift from my son...but there is something else that also occupies that jar, a small white feather.

In numerous places it also states that people have received feathers as a sign from loved ones that have crossed over. No matter how many pennies I have found, the feathers just weren't around. I was talking to one of my colleagues at work about pennies and feathers being a sign and I was telling her how upset I was that I never did get a feather. That night after I gave Ryker a bath I was running down the stairs to the main floor and out of the corner of my eye saw someting floating to the ground. I stopped and picked it up. It was a perfect little white feather. I was skeptical. I checked everything I was wearing and looked around to see if I could figure out where it came from. There was nothing. So I smiled and put the feather in with the pennies. Another gift from my angel.

Madden, momma loves you and misses you soo much. I would give anything to give you one more kiss. Sending you all my love, hugs and kisses. I love you as big as the sky sweet prince. xoxo

Thursday 3 January 2013

On a more positive note

2013 will be what I make it. I have a lot to be happy for and a lot to be thankful for (like the 3 beautiful boys that I am blessed to be the mother of and the two that I still have here to make me smile every day)... This year will be a great year.

The year will not go on without Madden, he will always and forever be a part of our family and will be included in our daily lives.

I feel the need to clarify - when I said I am scared of forgetting I did not mean by any stretch of the imagination that I was scared of forgetting Madden or the love I have for him or the moments we spent together. I am scared of fogetting the details...the perfect curve in his jawline, the way his big beautiful eyes sparkeled, the softness of his cheeks, the way he smelled.... I keep blankets of Madden's in a tightly closed bag to try and keep them smelling like him so that sometimes when I need to I can take those blankets out and smell them...it made me feel so close to him again. I took them out the other day and the smell was gone. I know it doesnt mean that Madden is any farther away from me, it just means that I can no longer smell him and that makes me sad.

Time keeps moving wheather we are ready for it or not. It is a blessing and a curse. But mostly a blessing. Time whisks you through the hard days into beautiful new days. The reason we make it into these beautiful new days is because time keeps moving. It keeps us moving.

We made it through Christmas and New Years. It was hard and it was sad but we made it. And we will make it through many more.

I will never forget Madden, the love I have for him, the time we had together, the way he changed me and so many other people. And I pray I dont ever forget the small details that are so precious to me.

Momma loves you Madden, as big as the sky. Missing you forever. xox

Tuesday 1 January 2013

New Years

Its here, 2013... a whole new year.

Usually New Years Eve isn't a big deal to me. It's just another day. The start to a new month. The start to a new year. This year was different. I have been dreading this New Year since it started creeping up.

2012 was a big year for my family. The year our third baby boy was born. The year our third baby boy passed away. The past year brought my husband and I more heartache than we ever imagined possible in our lives, we shed enough tears to fill an ocean. The year also brought us Madden. The perfect addtion to our precious famly of four, the sweetest small angel. The year brought us emotions to degrees we have never felt before: love, joy, loss, sadness, emptiness, heartache, frustration, devastation, lack of knowledge, lack of understanding...

People who have gone to heaven and were fortunate enough to have returned to earth say that the love experienced in heaven is something that we dont have words for on earth. I believe that this is also true for the feelings of sadness experienced when you lose something as precious as your child. There aren't words strong enough on this planet.

I have been having a hard time accepting that we have to leave this year behind, that this year has to end. I am not ready for it to be over. I am not ready to move on from this year. The year had an enormous impact on my family and I dont want to move on. I am not ready. In a way it makes me feel like we are moving farther away from Madden. Farther away from the precious moments we had with him. Farther away from the hugs, kisses and cuddles. Farther away from the perfect additon to our family. Farther away from the memories.

Forgetting scares me. Moving forward scares me. A new year, one without precious moments with Madden scares me.

This new year is big...and I am not ready for it.

I love you my sweet Madden, as big as the sky. Praying you can feel my love up in heaven.
Sending you enough kisses to fill the sky.
I love you. xoxoxoxo