Thanksgiving

Last weekend we celebrated our first holiday wtihout you. It was hard. I don't understand why you aren't here. You should be. No holiday is going to be the same. They will no longer be solely full of joy. From now on every holiday will also be accompanied by pain and heartache.

I know we have a million things to be thankful for but being thankful this past weekend was harder than it has ever been. I had to force myself to be thankful for the time I had with you instead of being heartbroken that I didn't get more time. I want more time. I am thankful for the time I had with you, it just will never be enough.

I miss you so much. My heart is broken and I think it always will be. Nothing will ever be the same without you.

A lot has happened since I last wrote you.  The foundation has been poured at your "spot" which means your headstone can be installed this winter. We approved the design earlier this week so I am hoping that by the middle of November it will be in place. Being able to find you in the snow is important to us.

Ryker's birthday is tomorrow. The only thing he has wanted for his birthday since you were born is for you to be there. Tomorrow is going to be hard. I know he will have fun, I know seeing him having fun will make me smile but I also know that my heart will be missing you all day.

I don't want to do more birthdays or holidays without you.

On Sunday we are doing the Hope for Little Hearts Run. Our family will be walking in your honor to help raise money and awareness for other children with heart conditions. Hopefully we can help make a difference to another family.

We finally have an account open in your name so we can start raising money to help other families facing similar situations as us. Your dad and I are so happy that your name is going to live on forever. You are going to continue making a difference in this world.

I am at the point in my grieving that has me wanting to talk about you constantly. I want to tell every person I see about you. I want everyone to know we lost an angel. I want them to know what you looked like, how much you weighed, what you went through in your short life,  strong you were, how much you changed me and so many others...I just want to talk about you.

I miss you Madden, more and more everyday. I know I always will. I don't know how I am supposed to go through the rest of my life without you. It's not fair. I want you back. I pray you will know me and how much I love you when we meet again.

I love you as big as the sky sweet prince. Sending all my love, hugs and kisses up to you in heaven.


Love you,
Momma xoxoxo