New Years

Its here, 2013... a whole new year.

Usually New Years Eve isn't a big deal to me. It's just another day. The start to a new month. The start to a new year. This year was different. I have been dreading this New Year since it started creeping up.

2012 was a big year for my family. The year our third baby boy was born. The year our third baby boy passed away. The past year brought my husband and I more heartache than we ever imagined possible in our lives, we shed enough tears to fill an ocean. The year also brought us Madden. The perfect addtion to our precious famly of four, the sweetest small angel. The year brought us emotions to degrees we have never felt before: love, joy, loss, sadness, emptiness, heartache, frustration, devastation, lack of knowledge, lack of understanding...

People who have gone to heaven and were fortunate enough to have returned to earth say that the love experienced in heaven is something that we dont have words for on earth. I believe that this is also true for the feelings of sadness experienced when you lose something as precious as your child. There aren't words strong enough on this planet.

I have been having a hard time accepting that we have to leave this year behind, that this year has to end. I am not ready for it to be over. I am not ready to move on from this year. The year had an enormous impact on my family and I dont want to move on. I am not ready. In a way it makes me feel like we are moving farther away from Madden. Farther away from the precious moments we had with him. Farther away from the hugs, kisses and cuddles. Farther away from the perfect additon to our family. Farther away from the memories.

Forgetting scares me. Moving forward scares me. A new year, one without precious moments with Madden scares me.

This new year is big...and I am not ready for it.

I love you my sweet Madden, as big as the sky. Praying you can feel my love up in heaven.
Sending you enough kisses to fill the sky.
I love you. xoxoxoxo