Tuesday 24 September 2013

Vision

Tonight my cousin shared with me a vision she had of my sweet boy - he was a toddler, rolling around, playing, giggling and he could talk...but barely. He was happy. He left her with the message that he misses us and wants us to be happy.
Initially I was really happy. I am happy that he is happy. I am happy for the reinforcement that he is still "here".
And then I cried for a really long time. I guess for the last little while I haven't been letting myself truly think about Madden and how much I wish he was here. I haven't let myself think about what he would look like or what he would be like. I haven't let myself think about what it would be like to have him home, to be able to hug him and kiss him or even just touch his small hands. I have thrown myself into helping others and planning events to keep his name going, to keep his memory alive and to keep me sane. But tonight I did. Tonight I let myself truly miss him... And it hurts. It really really hurts. I don't want him to get bigger without us. I don't want him to grow up in heaven. I want him back in my arms. I want him home where he belongs. I just want him back. 

Tuesday 17 September 2013

A whole year

Its been so long since I have taken the time to sit down and write...and so much has happened. As of September 12th, we have officially made it through an entire year and all the "firsts". I think, for the most part that I am happy they have passed...and yet there is this little piece of my heart that is sad that we keep moving further away from the time we had with you.

Since I last wrote we had your memorial soccer tournament. It was amazing.
We had a total of 33 teams register in the tournament and a little over 20 kids for the u6 age group for a total of 250+ players. We were a little overwhelmed by the numbers and the support. The weekend was beautiful and the weather couldn't have been better.

CTV invited us to be guests on their morning news show on the Thursday morning before the tournament. Your dad and I were super nervous about doing a live interview but knew it was something we should do to create awareness around your foundation http://edmonton.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=988995.
CTV also stopped by on the Sunday of the tournament and ran another spot on the 6 o'clock news http://www.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=990779. We feel incredibly fortunate to have had them support our event.




To top off the weekend we raised just shy of $11,000 for your foundation. This money will allow us to give back even more in your name. ♥

 
There were many amazing moments throughout the weekend but a couple that really stand out are:

Rocky and I being presented a check from a u10 SWU girls teams who had a lemonade stand to raise money for your foundation.  An incredibly touching and thoughtful gesture from a group of amazing girls.
Receiving blue roses from the Kaelin's soccer team (and a few additional special people)  at the end of the tournament. This was probably the most memorable moment of the tournament for me. In this moment I knew you were there. I knew this was you telling us that you were with us and that you were proud of us.

A couple days after the tournament ended I received and email from a mother of one of the players letting us know that they had their daughter read our story prior to the tournament so she that her daughter understood why she was playing. They asked her to think of you before she played every game and to let you know that she was playing for you. This particularly made my heart smile.
So many teams had “MADDEN” cheers before games. I loved that so many teams truly played with you in their heart.
Another moment that made the weekend for me was finding out that Dr Duff had registered his son in the tournament and then seeing him on the weekend. (Dr. Duff was the intensivist on in PICU the night you were admitted)
And likely my favorite memory of this tournament was seeing all the teams wearing the tournament shirts and knowing that all these people now know your name. That to me means more than I can explain.

The weekend after the tournament brought the 1 year anniversary of your angel day. It was an incredibly difficult weekend for us all. A whole year. In some ways it seems unreal that this much time has gone by...and at the same time it feels like a lifetime since I have seen your sweet face. Your daddy wrote this about your angel day and I wanted to share it with you:

I can't believe it's been a year since I said good bye to you Madden. Been a year since I last touched you since I last put my cheek on yours. A year has past since I was able to kiss you and when all the wires were out was able to hold you. Amazing what a year feels like to me when I think of you Madden. It feels like 5 minutes ago I walked out of that room never to be able to hold you again and ...yet at the same time the pain feels like a 100 years have gone by. Your daddy misses you more then anything in the whole world. August 31 2012 I not only lost a son but I lost a hero and I lost a piece of me. Today in a way doesn't feel different then any other day. I still cry for you. I still 11:11 wish somehow you could come back on all those other days. Today though just is that reminder that I had to make a decision no parent wants to ever make. I had to say good bye. I'm proud to say at 41 years old I will be sleeping with a sock monkey and a baby's blanket tonight and as always I will be hoping and wishing your day in heaven was good. Daddy loves you Madden.
 
Life without you isn't easy. Days without you are long and hard. Your brothers really miss you. Ryker still believes you are coming back, its hard to tell him you aren't when we all want it so bad. Forever is just too long. Forever isn't fair.
 
And so to help us keep going we will continue to give back in your name and hopefully give a couple families some encouragement while we continue to learn how to live with you in our hearts and not our arms.
 
We love you and we miss you so much sweet boy. 
Sending you so much love to heaven. 
xox
Momma