Lately I have found myself wishing away time. Wishing the whole first year and all the anniversaries that come along with it would just come and go as quickly as possible. The day we found out about your heart defect, your birthday, your surgery dates, the day you died, and your funeral day. I find myself wishing we were past them all. That time would just move faster and carry us through these days. But then I remember that at the end of these days, you still won't be here and my heart will still be broken.
I have been crying a lot lately. I am missing you even more. Living without you isn't getting easier yet. I don't think it ever will. I don't think my heart is done breaking yet.
A lot has happened since I last wrote and we are finally so close to registering a non profit in your name. It will be registered within the week. Our first event is already planned and well underway. On your birthday we will be making a big donation to the Stollery in your name in the form of sleepers, blankets, sock monkeys, books, socks etc. This is how we will celebrate your birthday forever.
We are also planning a soccer tournament in your name at the end of August. Kaelin is planning this one for you. He loves you and misses you so much too.
Ryker has been sending balloons up to you lately, I hope you got them. He's still waiting for you to come back and wants to buy you diapers and set up your crib....if only we had just lent you to the angels..
I saw a picture of kaelin when he was a baby that looked so much like you. So perfect. So sweet. So small. But he was comfortable, home, dressed in clothes, wrapped in blankets, free of wires and tubes. I wish you had been given the same comfort.
Your daddy's birthday was this week. He misses you so much. Our visit at the cemetery was extra heartbreaking. He so wished you were here to celebrate with us, we all did. No happy day will ever be as happy as it was before.
I miss you so much my sweet prince. So much. Sending so much love and a million kisses to you.
Sweet dreams sweet boy.
Momma loves you as big as the sky.
Xoxo
