2013 will be what I make it. I have a lot to be happy for and a lot to be thankful for (like the 3 beautiful boys that I am blessed to be the mother of and the two that I still have here to make me smile every day)... This year will be a great year.
The year will not go on without Madden, he will always and forever be a part of our family and will be included in our daily lives.
I feel the need to clarify - when I said I am scared of forgetting I did not mean by any stretch of the imagination that I was scared of forgetting Madden or the love I have for him or the moments we spent together. I am scared of fogetting the details...the perfect curve in his jawline, the way his big beautiful eyes sparkeled, the softness of his cheeks, the way he smelled.... I keep blankets of Madden's in a tightly closed bag to try and keep them smelling like him so that sometimes when I need to I can take those blankets out and smell them...it made me feel so close to him again. I took them out the other day and the smell was gone. I know it doesnt mean that Madden is any farther away from me, it just means that I can no longer smell him and that makes me sad.
Time keeps moving wheather we are ready for it or not. It is a blessing and a curse. But mostly a blessing. Time whisks you through the hard days into beautiful new days. The reason we make it into these beautiful new days is because time keeps moving. It keeps us moving.
We made it through Christmas and New Years. It was hard and it was sad but we made it. And we will make it through many more.
I will never forget Madden, the love I have for him, the time we had together, the way he changed me and so many other people. And I pray I dont ever forget the small details that are so precious to me.
Momma loves you Madden, as big as the sky. Missing you forever. xox
I read your words and my heart aches and breaks for you and your family. I don't know you or your family, but I have continued following your post, I have not forgotten about your son or your family. Your a mother who has had her heart broken don't apologize or justify anything to anyone about your thoughts and feelings. We as mothers can understand the love a mother has for her baby. I wish you all the best this year and I will continue to follow your path to healing and I look forward to it. Thank you for sharing your life and heart. (hugs)
ReplyDeleteDid you ever wonder how the mothers of heart babies are chosen?
ReplyDeleteSomehow, I visualize God hovering Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger. Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a heart baby." The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy." "Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a heart baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel." "But does she have the patience?" asks the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I am going to give her has a world of his own. She has to make him live in her world, and that's not going to be easy." God smiles. "This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness. " The angel gasps, "Selfishness! Is that a virtue?" God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says "momma" for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clear the things that I see -ignorance, cruelty, prejudice -and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."