Tonight my cousin shared with me a vision she had of my sweet boy - he was a toddler, rolling around, playing, giggling and he could talk...but barely. He was happy. He left her with the message that he misses us and wants us to be happy.
Initially I was really happy. I am happy that he is happy. I am happy for the reinforcement that he is still "here".
And then I cried for a really long time. I guess for the last little while I haven't been letting myself truly think about Madden and how much I wish he was here. I haven't let myself think about what he would look like or what he would be like. I haven't let myself think about what it would be like to have him home, to be able to hug him and kiss him or even just touch his small hands. I have thrown myself into helping others and planning events to keep his name going, to keep his memory alive and to keep me sane. But tonight I did. Tonight I let myself truly miss him... And it hurts. It really really hurts. I don't want him to get bigger without us. I don't want him to grow up in heaven. I want him back in my arms. I want him home where he belongs. I just want him back.
Carly, we all still think about him. I find myself visiting your blog every so often. You know you have so much support... I just want to remind you that there are some of us that don't get to show it as much as we'd like to... or should.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you often...
Gisella