On a more positive note

2013 will be what I make it. I have a lot to be happy for and a lot to be thankful for (like the 3 beautiful boys that I am blessed to be the mother of and the two that I still have here to make me smile every day)... This year will be a great year.

The year will not go on without Madden, he will always and forever be a part of our family and will be included in our daily lives.

I feel the need to clarify - when I said I am scared of forgetting I did not mean by any stretch of the imagination that I was scared of forgetting Madden or the love I have for him or the moments we spent together. I am scared of fogetting the details...the perfect curve in his jawline, the way his big beautiful eyes sparkeled, the softness of his cheeks, the way he smelled.... I keep blankets of Madden's in a tightly closed bag to try and keep them smelling like him so that sometimes when I need to I can take those blankets out and smell them...it made me feel so close to him again. I took them out the other day and the smell was gone. I know it doesnt mean that Madden is any farther away from me, it just means that I can no longer smell him and that makes me sad.

Time keeps moving wheather we are ready for it or not. It is a blessing and a curse. But mostly a blessing. Time whisks you through the hard days into beautiful new days. The reason we make it into these beautiful new days is because time keeps moving. It keeps us moving.

We made it through Christmas and New Years. It was hard and it was sad but we made it. And we will make it through many more.

I will never forget Madden, the love I have for him, the time we had together, the way he changed me and so many other people. And I pray I dont ever forget the small details that are so precious to me.

Momma loves you Madden, as big as the sky. Missing you forever. xox

New Years

Its here, 2013... a whole new year.

Usually New Years Eve isn't a big deal to me. It's just another day. The start to a new month. The start to a new year. This year was different. I have been dreading this New Year since it started creeping up.

2012 was a big year for my family. The year our third baby boy was born. The year our third baby boy passed away. The past year brought my husband and I more heartache than we ever imagined possible in our lives, we shed enough tears to fill an ocean. The year also brought us Madden. The perfect addtion to our precious famly of four, the sweetest small angel. The year brought us emotions to degrees we have never felt before: love, joy, loss, sadness, emptiness, heartache, frustration, devastation, lack of knowledge, lack of understanding...

People who have gone to heaven and were fortunate enough to have returned to earth say that the love experienced in heaven is something that we dont have words for on earth. I believe that this is also true for the feelings of sadness experienced when you lose something as precious as your child. There aren't words strong enough on this planet.

I have been having a hard time accepting that we have to leave this year behind, that this year has to end. I am not ready for it to be over. I am not ready to move on from this year. The year had an enormous impact on my family and I dont want to move on. I am not ready. In a way it makes me feel like we are moving farther away from Madden. Farther away from the precious moments we had with him. Farther away from the hugs, kisses and cuddles. Farther away from the perfect additon to our family. Farther away from the memories.

Forgetting scares me. Moving forward scares me. A new year, one without precious moments with Madden scares me.

This new year is big...and I am not ready for it.

I love you my sweet Madden, as big as the sky. Praying you can feel my love up in heaven.
Sending you enough kisses to fill the sky.
I love you. xoxoxoxo

Enter Guilt & Regret

Sweet Madden, I miss you.

Tomorrow it will be two months since I have seen your sweet face. I have realized in the short time that you have been gone that this isn’t going to get any easier. I am forever going to have that feeling that something is missing, that something isn’t quite right. My heart will forever feel a sense of loss. Time doesn’t heal. Time only numbs.

As days go by, guilt starts to consume.  I am consumed by guilt. I should have slept at the hospital more often. I shouldn’t have gone for lunch. I should have known something more was wrong, I am not a doctor but I am a smart woman...and I am your mom, I should have known. I should have pushed harder and fought harder. I should have held on to you longer. I should have told you I loved you more. I should have done more...

I am also consumed by regret. If I had known how things would turn out I would have held you more, kissed you more, told you I loved you more. I would have never taken my hands off of you. I wouldn’t have spent a single second away from you. I would have ignored my phone, my ipad, visitors, doctors, nurses...everything and everyone. I would have spent 3 months completely devoted to you.

There would be no doubt in my mind that you knew how loved you are.  I hope you know.

Life without you is hard. It will never be the same.

Your dad and I cry for you every single day. Your brothers really miss you too. Ryker will not sleep wtihout his sock monkey and Kaelin has started sleeping with a picture of you...among everything else of yours he sleeps with.

I believe you are happy up in heaven. Watching over your brothers, your dad and I. I know we will see you again one day. That day just feels too far away.

Your brothers and I decorated a pumpkin for you and brought it to the cemetery. I hope you like it.

There is another baby beside you already. It makes me so sad. I don’t think I single person has been back to visit this baby yet. I don’t know the situation, but I just don’t understand. It breaks my heart.

Please take care of this new little one up in heaven.

Halloween is tomorrow. If you were here I imagine you would have been a monkey. J Happy 1^st Halloween Madden.

I love you and miss you as big as the sky my sweet prince. Sending love, hugs and kisses up to heaven. Xox.

Time

Time goes on but this isn't getting any easier. To be honest, it's getting harder. A week or two I can handle...but forever...forever I don't think I can handle.

There is nothing I want more than to be able to see your sweet little face, kiss your sweet little cheeks and hold your sweet little hands.

I am so sad without you. I think my heart breaks a little more every single day.

I want to go back in time. I want to hold you again. I want to kiss you again. I want to tell you how much I love you again.

I want you back.

Today a bunch of people who love and miss you walked in the hope for little hearts walk in your honor. It was a beautiful day. There were a lot of kids with congenital heart disease there. All little miracles. It was heart warming and heart breaking. I don't understand why you couldn't be one of those success stories.

We will forever do our part to help other little ones living with heart conditions so that they can hopefully overcome whatever challenges they are presented with.

Team Madden bracelets have been made to help raise money for your foundation. The bracelets are very popular. So many people love you and want to support your foundation. I love mt bracelet and will never take it off. It makes me feel like I have a little piece of you with me at all times.

Madden I love you and miss you so much. Words can't describe how I feel. I hope you know how much your family loves you. I hope you felt our love while you were here, I hope you still feel it.
I hope you are being well taken care of. I hope you are happy and pain free. I hope you are watching your big brothers grow and I hope you know how much they love you.

We miss you so much small prince. We love you as big as the sky. Xoxoxo

Love momma ♥

Thanksgiving

Last weekend we celebrated our first holiday wtihout you. It was hard. I don't understand why you aren't here. You should be. No holiday is going to be the same. They will no longer be solely full of joy. From now on every holiday will also be accompanied by pain and heartache.

I know we have a million things to be thankful for but being thankful this past weekend was harder than it has ever been. I had to force myself to be thankful for the time I had with you instead of being heartbroken that I didn't get more time. I want more time. I am thankful for the time I had with you, it just will never be enough.

I miss you so much. My heart is broken and I think it always will be. Nothing will ever be the same without you.

A lot has happened since I last wrote you.  The foundation has been poured at your "spot" which means your headstone can be installed this winter. We approved the design earlier this week so I am hoping that by the middle of November it will be in place. Being able to find you in the snow is important to us.

Ryker's birthday is tomorrow. The only thing he has wanted for his birthday since you were born is for you to be there. Tomorrow is going to be hard. I know he will have fun, I know seeing him having fun will make me smile but I also know that my heart will be missing you all day.

I don't want to do more birthdays or holidays without you.

On Sunday we are doing the Hope for Little Hearts Run. Our family will be walking in your honor to help raise money and awareness for other children with heart conditions. Hopefully we can help make a difference to another family.

We finally have an account open in your name so we can start raising money to help other families facing similar situations as us. Your dad and I are so happy that your name is going to live on forever. You are going to continue making a difference in this world.

I am at the point in my grieving that has me wanting to talk about you constantly. I want to tell every person I see about you. I want everyone to know we lost an angel. I want them to know what you looked like, how much you weighed, what you went through in your short life,  strong you were, how much you changed me and so many others...I just want to talk about you.

I miss you Madden, more and more everyday. I know I always will. I don't know how I am supposed to go through the rest of my life without you. It's not fair. I want you back. I pray you will know me and how much I love you when we meet again.

I love you as big as the sky sweet prince. Sending all my love, hugs and kisses up to you in heaven.


Love you,
Momma xoxoxo

One month with angel wings

Madden,

You have now had your angel wings for just over a month. It still seems like it was only yesterday that you flew away but also feels like I have been missing your sweet face for a lifetime.

We spent this past weekend remembering and honouring you.

On Friday night we went to visit the spot where your body is laid to rest. Auntie Tracy brought balloons. We all wrote on our balloons and sent them up to you in heaven. Your brothers loved watching the balloons make their way up to you. Your dad and I loved it too. The balloons knew the way to you. They all went together. We could still see them way up in the clouds. I wish I could see you way up there... I miss you.

I hope you got the balloons and loved them. They carried with them a little piece of love from each of us.

On Saturday we did the walk to remember. It was beautiful. All the names of the precious babies that flew to heaven long before their parents were ready to let them go were written on the sidewalk. We all walked and read the name of those angels and remembered and honored each one. Seeing your name was emotional. Someone else wrote it. Someone else knows your name. That for some reason means a lot to me.

After the walk the group blew bubbles together for all of your friends up in heaven. We decided to take our bubbles to your grave site and blow them there. It's beautiful and peaceful there.

On Sunday it was a month since you passed away. This day was a day for tears. A day for missing you. A day for loving you. It was also a day for questions and frustrations, for anger and pain. It's not fair. You should be here laying in my arms and I should be holding your hand and kissing your cheek. This will never be ok with me and will never be understood by me. My heart is broken. I miss you so much.

I promise I will not let anyone forget you.

I love you as big as the sky my sweet prince. Sending all my love and hugs ans kisses up to you in heaven.

Love momma.

Pictures

On the day Madden passed away we had a photographer come and take pictures of our family. A family of five that wouldn't have this opportunity again.

Yesterday the photographs came in the mail. The pictures are the most amazing and precious gift we could have ever received. These are memories we will have to cherish forever.

My only regret is that we didn't do this sooner.

A few of my favorites...

Madden I love you and miss you biger than the sky. Sending all my love to you up in heaven. xoxox