The most incredible gift

Yesterday it was 5 months since the day Madden got his wings and flew with the angels. It was a tough day. I was sad, I missed him. I miss him every minute of every day.

Last night I was talking to Madden like I usually do. Telling him I miss him and love him and hope he is being taken care of. For some reason last night I also started talking to my grandparents, my dad's parents whom I never met - they passed away when my dad was very young. In my heart I just believe that they are together. That they were waiting for Madden to welcome him to heaven. That they are taking care of my baby.

Though in my heart I believe they are all together, my mind wants to know it. While I was talking to my grandparents I asked them to give me a sign that the three of them were together and that my baby is ok, that they are taking care of him. I asked them to give me 3 pennies all together. I know its a lot to ask for but I wanted something concrete, something that would show me beyond a doubt that they are all together.

Later that night I also talked to my dad and asked if he thought they were all together. We talked about my fear of Madden being alone. He believes they are together and it made me feel better.

Today on my way home from work I stopped and picked up Ryker from the dayhome. He was playing around with some stuff in the backseat but I didn't think much of it. We walked in the house and started getting all our winter stuff off. Just  as I was about to take his jacket off Ryker looked and me and said "Mom, I want you to have this money, it is very special" and my sweet little delivery boy handed me 3 pennies.

Three pennies all together. The sign I asked for.

No doubt in my mind this was a gift from my son and my grandparents to let me know that they are all together and they are ok. My son is ok. Its the only thing we want as parents, to know our children are ok.

Today I felt Madden's love. Today I found a little bit of peace. Today my baby gave me the most precious gift.

Thank you my sweet prince. I love you as big as the sky. xoxo

Remember February is heart month! This month I am honouring all the heart babies near and far.
Happy heart month! ♥

Pennies From Heaven

I have read in numerous books lately and have been told by multiple people that when you find a penny its a sign meaning that someone who has passed on is thinking about you...pennies from heaven.

I have read it so many places and have bought into this belief. I never used to notice pennies...but I do now. Maybe its because I never had a reason to find them before. Or better yet maybe I never had an angel leaving them for me before.

Lately I find pennies everywhere. I love it. I believe that Madden is thinking about me and misses me.

Last night I went to get into bed and pulled back the cover, there sitting on my pillow was a shiny little penny. I usually cry when I am going to sleep because its that quiet time when I am left to my own thoughts. Last night I smiled.

The other day I had to run out to my car to grab two little things for my niece from her carseat. When I came inside and put them down on the counter a little penny fell from my hands. No doubt in my mind, a penny from my sweet prince. A small reminder that not only am I thinking of him, but that he is thinking of me too. It warms the pieces of my broken heart.

I have a small jar that I keep these pennies in at home because I believe they are a little gift from my son...but there is something else that also occupies that jar, a small white feather.

In numerous places it also states that people have received feathers as a sign from loved ones that have crossed over. No matter how many pennies I have found, the feathers just weren't around. I was talking to one of my colleagues at work about pennies and feathers being a sign and I was telling her how upset I was that I never did get a feather. That night after I gave Ryker a bath I was running down the stairs to the main floor and out of the corner of my eye saw someting floating to the ground. I stopped and picked it up. It was a perfect little white feather. I was skeptical. I checked everything I was wearing and looked around to see if I could figure out where it came from. There was nothing. So I smiled and put the feather in with the pennies. Another gift from my angel.

Madden, momma loves you and misses you soo much. I would give anything to give you one more kiss. Sending you all my love, hugs and kisses. I love you as big as the sky sweet prince. xoxo

On a more positive note

2013 will be what I make it. I have a lot to be happy for and a lot to be thankful for (like the 3 beautiful boys that I am blessed to be the mother of and the two that I still have here to make me smile every day)... This year will be a great year.

The year will not go on without Madden, he will always and forever be a part of our family and will be included in our daily lives.

I feel the need to clarify - when I said I am scared of forgetting I did not mean by any stretch of the imagination that I was scared of forgetting Madden or the love I have for him or the moments we spent together. I am scared of fogetting the details...the perfect curve in his jawline, the way his big beautiful eyes sparkeled, the softness of his cheeks, the way he smelled.... I keep blankets of Madden's in a tightly closed bag to try and keep them smelling like him so that sometimes when I need to I can take those blankets out and smell them...it made me feel so close to him again. I took them out the other day and the smell was gone. I know it doesnt mean that Madden is any farther away from me, it just means that I can no longer smell him and that makes me sad.

Time keeps moving wheather we are ready for it or not. It is a blessing and a curse. But mostly a blessing. Time whisks you through the hard days into beautiful new days. The reason we make it into these beautiful new days is because time keeps moving. It keeps us moving.

We made it through Christmas and New Years. It was hard and it was sad but we made it. And we will make it through many more.

I will never forget Madden, the love I have for him, the time we had together, the way he changed me and so many other people. And I pray I dont ever forget the small details that are so precious to me.

Momma loves you Madden, as big as the sky. Missing you forever. xox

New Years

Its here, 2013... a whole new year.

Usually New Years Eve isn't a big deal to me. It's just another day. The start to a new month. The start to a new year. This year was different. I have been dreading this New Year since it started creeping up.

2012 was a big year for my family. The year our third baby boy was born. The year our third baby boy passed away. The past year brought my husband and I more heartache than we ever imagined possible in our lives, we shed enough tears to fill an ocean. The year also brought us Madden. The perfect addtion to our precious famly of four, the sweetest small angel. The year brought us emotions to degrees we have never felt before: love, joy, loss, sadness, emptiness, heartache, frustration, devastation, lack of knowledge, lack of understanding...

People who have gone to heaven and were fortunate enough to have returned to earth say that the love experienced in heaven is something that we dont have words for on earth. I believe that this is also true for the feelings of sadness experienced when you lose something as precious as your child. There aren't words strong enough on this planet.

I have been having a hard time accepting that we have to leave this year behind, that this year has to end. I am not ready for it to be over. I am not ready to move on from this year. The year had an enormous impact on my family and I dont want to move on. I am not ready. In a way it makes me feel like we are moving farther away from Madden. Farther away from the precious moments we had with him. Farther away from the hugs, kisses and cuddles. Farther away from the perfect additon to our family. Farther away from the memories.

Forgetting scares me. Moving forward scares me. A new year, one without precious moments with Madden scares me.

This new year is big...and I am not ready for it.

I love you my sweet Madden, as big as the sky. Praying you can feel my love up in heaven.
Sending you enough kisses to fill the sky.
I love you. xoxoxoxo

Enter Guilt & Regret

Sweet Madden, I miss you.

Tomorrow it will be two months since I have seen your sweet face. I have realized in the short time that you have been gone that this isn’t going to get any easier. I am forever going to have that feeling that something is missing, that something isn’t quite right. My heart will forever feel a sense of loss. Time doesn’t heal. Time only numbs.

As days go by, guilt starts to consume.  I am consumed by guilt. I should have slept at the hospital more often. I shouldn’t have gone for lunch. I should have known something more was wrong, I am not a doctor but I am a smart woman...and I am your mom, I should have known. I should have pushed harder and fought harder. I should have held on to you longer. I should have told you I loved you more. I should have done more...

I am also consumed by regret. If I had known how things would turn out I would have held you more, kissed you more, told you I loved you more. I would have never taken my hands off of you. I wouldn’t have spent a single second away from you. I would have ignored my phone, my ipad, visitors, doctors, nurses...everything and everyone. I would have spent 3 months completely devoted to you.

There would be no doubt in my mind that you knew how loved you are.  I hope you know.

Life without you is hard. It will never be the same.

Your dad and I cry for you every single day. Your brothers really miss you too. Ryker will not sleep wtihout his sock monkey and Kaelin has started sleeping with a picture of you...among everything else of yours he sleeps with.

I believe you are happy up in heaven. Watching over your brothers, your dad and I. I know we will see you again one day. That day just feels too far away.

Your brothers and I decorated a pumpkin for you and brought it to the cemetery. I hope you like it.

There is another baby beside you already. It makes me so sad. I don’t think I single person has been back to visit this baby yet. I don’t know the situation, but I just don’t understand. It breaks my heart.

Please take care of this new little one up in heaven.

Halloween is tomorrow. If you were here I imagine you would have been a monkey. J Happy 1^st Halloween Madden.

I love you and miss you as big as the sky my sweet prince. Sending love, hugs and kisses up to heaven. Xox.

Time

Time goes on but this isn't getting any easier. To be honest, it's getting harder. A week or two I can handle...but forever...forever I don't think I can handle.

There is nothing I want more than to be able to see your sweet little face, kiss your sweet little cheeks and hold your sweet little hands.

I am so sad without you. I think my heart breaks a little more every single day.

I want to go back in time. I want to hold you again. I want to kiss you again. I want to tell you how much I love you again.

I want you back.

Today a bunch of people who love and miss you walked in the hope for little hearts walk in your honor. It was a beautiful day. There were a lot of kids with congenital heart disease there. All little miracles. It was heart warming and heart breaking. I don't understand why you couldn't be one of those success stories.

We will forever do our part to help other little ones living with heart conditions so that they can hopefully overcome whatever challenges they are presented with.

Team Madden bracelets have been made to help raise money for your foundation. The bracelets are very popular. So many people love you and want to support your foundation. I love mt bracelet and will never take it off. It makes me feel like I have a little piece of you with me at all times.

Madden I love you and miss you so much. Words can't describe how I feel. I hope you know how much your family loves you. I hope you felt our love while you were here, I hope you still feel it.
I hope you are being well taken care of. I hope you are happy and pain free. I hope you are watching your big brothers grow and I hope you know how much they love you.

We miss you so much small prince. We love you as big as the sky. Xoxoxo

Love momma ♥

Thanksgiving

Last weekend we celebrated our first holiday wtihout you. It was hard. I don't understand why you aren't here. You should be. No holiday is going to be the same. They will no longer be solely full of joy. From now on every holiday will also be accompanied by pain and heartache.

I know we have a million things to be thankful for but being thankful this past weekend was harder than it has ever been. I had to force myself to be thankful for the time I had with you instead of being heartbroken that I didn't get more time. I want more time. I am thankful for the time I had with you, it just will never be enough.

I miss you so much. My heart is broken and I think it always will be. Nothing will ever be the same without you.

A lot has happened since I last wrote you.  The foundation has been poured at your "spot" which means your headstone can be installed this winter. We approved the design earlier this week so I am hoping that by the middle of November it will be in place. Being able to find you in the snow is important to us.

Ryker's birthday is tomorrow. The only thing he has wanted for his birthday since you were born is for you to be there. Tomorrow is going to be hard. I know he will have fun, I know seeing him having fun will make me smile but I also know that my heart will be missing you all day.

I don't want to do more birthdays or holidays without you.

On Sunday we are doing the Hope for Little Hearts Run. Our family will be walking in your honor to help raise money and awareness for other children with heart conditions. Hopefully we can help make a difference to another family.

We finally have an account open in your name so we can start raising money to help other families facing similar situations as us. Your dad and I are so happy that your name is going to live on forever. You are going to continue making a difference in this world.

I am at the point in my grieving that has me wanting to talk about you constantly. I want to tell every person I see about you. I want everyone to know we lost an angel. I want them to know what you looked like, how much you weighed, what you went through in your short life,  strong you were, how much you changed me and so many others...I just want to talk about you.

I miss you Madden, more and more everyday. I know I always will. I don't know how I am supposed to go through the rest of my life without you. It's not fair. I want you back. I pray you will know me and how much I love you when we meet again.

I love you as big as the sky sweet prince. Sending all my love, hugs and kisses up to you in heaven.


Love you,
Momma xoxoxo