Tonight my cousin shared with me a vision she had of my sweet boy - he was a toddler, rolling around, playing, giggling and he could talk...but barely. He was happy. He left her with the message that he misses us and wants us to be happy.
Initially I was really happy. I am happy that he is happy. I am happy for the reinforcement that he is still "here".
And then I cried for a really long time. I guess for the last little while I haven't been letting myself truly think about Madden and how much I wish he was here. I haven't let myself think about what he would look like or what he would be like. I haven't let myself think about what it would be like to have him home, to be able to hug him and kiss him or even just touch his small hands. I have thrown myself into helping others and planning events to keep his name going, to keep his memory alive and to keep me sane. But tonight I did. Tonight I let myself truly miss him... And it hurts. It really really hurts. I don't want him to get bigger without us. I don't want him to grow up in heaven. I want him back in my arms. I want him home where he belongs. I just want him back.
Tuesday, 24 September 2013
Tuesday, 17 September 2013
A whole year
Its been so long since I have taken the time to sit down and write...and so much has happened. As of September 12th, we have officially made it through an entire year and all the "firsts". I think, for the most part that I am happy they have passed...and yet there is this little piece of my heart that is sad that we keep moving further away from the time we had with you.
Since I last wrote we had your memorial soccer tournament. It was amazing.
CTV invited us to be guests on their morning news show on the Thursday morning before the tournament. Your dad and I were super nervous about doing a live interview but knew it was something we should do to create awareness around your foundation http://edmonton.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=988995.
CTV also stopped by on the Sunday of the tournament and ran another spot on the 6 o'clock news http://www.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=990779. We feel incredibly fortunate to have had them support our event.
There were many amazing moments throughout the weekend but a couple that really stand out are:
Rocky and I being presented a check from a u10 SWU girls teams who had a lemonade stand to raise money for your foundation. An incredibly touching and thoughtful gesture from a group of amazing girls.
Receiving blue roses from the Kaelin's soccer team (and a few additional special people) at the end of the tournament. This was probably the most memorable moment of the tournament for me. In this moment I knew you were there. I knew this was you telling us that you were with us and that you were proud of us.
A couple days after the tournament ended I received and email from a mother of one of the players letting us know that they had their daughter read our story prior to the tournament so she that her daughter understood why she was playing. They asked her to think of you before she played every game and to let you know that she was playing for you. This particularly made my heart smile.
So many teams had “MADDEN” cheers before games. I loved that so many teams truly played with you in their heart.
Another moment that made the weekend for me was finding out that Dr Duff had registered his son in the tournament and then seeing him on the weekend. (Dr. Duff was the intensivist on in PICU the night you were admitted)
And likely my favorite memory of this tournament was seeing all the teams wearing the tournament shirts and knowing that all these people now know your name. That to me means more than I can explain.
The weekend after the tournament brought the 1 year anniversary of your angel day. It was an incredibly difficult weekend for us all. A whole year. In some ways it seems unreal that this much time has gone by...and at the same time it feels like a lifetime since I have seen your sweet face. Your daddy wrote this about your angel day and I wanted to share it with you:
Since I last wrote we had your memorial soccer tournament. It was amazing.
We had a total of 33 teams register
in the tournament and a little over 20 kids for the u6 age group for a total of 250+ players. We were a little overwhelmed by the numbers and the support. The weekend was beautiful and the weather couldn't have been better.
CTV invited us to be guests on their morning news show on the Thursday morning before the tournament. Your dad and I were super nervous about doing a live interview but knew it was something we should do to create awareness around your foundation http://edmonton.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=988995.
CTV also stopped by on the Sunday of the tournament and ran another spot on the 6 o'clock news http://www.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=990779. We feel incredibly fortunate to have had them support our event.
To top off the weekend we raised just shy of $11,000 for your
foundation. This money will allow us to give back even more in your name. ♥
Rocky and I being presented a check from a u10 SWU girls teams who had a lemonade stand to raise money for your foundation. An incredibly touching and thoughtful gesture from a group of amazing girls.
Receiving blue roses from the Kaelin's soccer team (and a few additional special people) at the end of the tournament. This was probably the most memorable moment of the tournament for me. In this moment I knew you were there. I knew this was you telling us that you were with us and that you were proud of us.
A couple days after the tournament ended I received and email from a mother of one of the players letting us know that they had their daughter read our story prior to the tournament so she that her daughter understood why she was playing. They asked her to think of you before she played every game and to let you know that she was playing for you. This particularly made my heart smile.
So many teams had “MADDEN” cheers before games. I loved that so many teams truly played with you in their heart.
Another moment that made the weekend for me was finding out that Dr Duff had registered his son in the tournament and then seeing him on the weekend. (Dr. Duff was the intensivist on in PICU the night you were admitted)
And likely my favorite memory of this tournament was seeing all the teams wearing the tournament shirts and knowing that all these people now know your name. That to me means more than I can explain.
The weekend after the tournament brought the 1 year anniversary of your angel day. It was an incredibly difficult weekend for us all. A whole year. In some ways it seems unreal that this much time has gone by...and at the same time it feels like a lifetime since I have seen your sweet face. Your daddy wrote this about your angel day and I wanted to share it with you:
I can't believe it's been a year since I said good bye to you Madden. Been a year since I last touched you since I last put my cheek on yours. A year has past since I was able to kiss you and when all the wires were out was able to hold you. Amazing what a year feels like to me when I think of you Madden. It feels like 5 minutes ago I walked out of that room never to be able to hold you again and ...yet at the same time the pain feels like a 100 years have gone by. Your daddy misses you more then anything in the whole world. August 31 2012 I not only lost a son but I lost a hero and I lost a piece of me. Today in a way doesn't feel different then any other day. I still cry for you. I still 11:11 wish somehow you could come back on all those other days. Today though just is that reminder that I had to make a decision no parent wants to ever make. I had to say good bye. I'm proud to say at 41 years old I will be sleeping with a sock monkey and a baby's blanket tonight and as always I will be hoping and wishing your day in heaven was good. Daddy loves you Madden.
Life without you isn't easy. Days without you are long and hard. Your brothers really miss you. Ryker still believes you are coming back, its hard to tell him you aren't when we all want it so bad. Forever is just too long. Forever isn't fair.
And so to help us keep going we will continue to give back in your name and hopefully give a couple families some encouragement while we continue to learn how to live with you in our hearts and not our arms.
We love you and we miss you so much sweet boy.
Sending you so much love to heaven.
xox
Momma
Sunday, 9 June 2013
You are 1.
Madden,
This post should have been written a few days ago. Im sorry it didn't come sooner. The truth is, I have had a hard time bringing myself to sit down and write about your birthday. I just can't believe it has truly been a year since I first held you in my arms. I can't beleive you would be 1. Its hard because your birthday should be a celebration. It was the day you were born, the day I got to meet the sweet little boy growing inside me, the day I got to kiss your sweet cheeks. It was a day I will never forget.
As much as I want this year of firsts to pass I also want time to stop. I don't want to get any further from the memories. I dont want to get any further from the feeling of holding you in my arms. I don't want to forget the way you smelled, the way you smirked ot the wise-beyond-years look in your eyes.
Your blankets hidden in my closet have lost your smell. I can't afford to lose memories too.
Your birthday. It really was a beautiful day...but it was hard. It was so hard. I probably cried 5x before 10am. I just so wish things were different. I know the angels were celebrating with you, I wish we got to celebrate together.
We started the day by dropping off a HUGE donation at the Stollery. So many people contributed to the donation. Well over 1500 items were donated in your name. The hospital staff were so overwhelmed. We were so overwhelmed. The love that was put into that donation came from far and wide. You are a very special little boy that has changed a lot of lives and will continue to do so for years to come.
Kaelin wanted to make a cake for your birthday. Him and I went to the grocery store and picked out all the supplies. Know that I love you even though your cake came from a box. Its just the only way your mom knows how to bake! Kaelin helped me make the cake and decorated it himself. This is how he chose to honor you on your birthday. He wanted to help make your day special, and he did. He sure misses you. Its hard to see him heartbroken.
Later on we went to your gravesite to release balloons. A lot of people that love you showed up to wish you a happy birthday. There were tons of balloons released. Each of those balloons had love in them for you and a message attached, I hope you got them all. I hope your birthday was a special day. I hope you felt so much love from all of us. I hope you looked down on us and knew how loved and missed you are.
Also, as of May 28th The Madden DeLuca Foundation is registered. It was a good day. People are going to know your name. People are going to hear your name and say your name because of something good that has happened to them. That means the world to me.
Happy 1st birthday Madden.
I love you. I love you so much.
Sweet dreams small prince.
xox
Momma
This post should have been written a few days ago. Im sorry it didn't come sooner. The truth is, I have had a hard time bringing myself to sit down and write about your birthday. I just can't believe it has truly been a year since I first held you in my arms. I can't beleive you would be 1. Its hard because your birthday should be a celebration. It was the day you were born, the day I got to meet the sweet little boy growing inside me, the day I got to kiss your sweet cheeks. It was a day I will never forget.
As much as I want this year of firsts to pass I also want time to stop. I don't want to get any further from the memories. I dont want to get any further from the feeling of holding you in my arms. I don't want to forget the way you smelled, the way you smirked ot the wise-beyond-years look in your eyes.
Your blankets hidden in my closet have lost your smell. I can't afford to lose memories too.
Your birthday. It really was a beautiful day...but it was hard. It was so hard. I probably cried 5x before 10am. I just so wish things were different. I know the angels were celebrating with you, I wish we got to celebrate together.
We started the day by dropping off a HUGE donation at the Stollery. So many people contributed to the donation. Well over 1500 items were donated in your name. The hospital staff were so overwhelmed. We were so overwhelmed. The love that was put into that donation came from far and wide. You are a very special little boy that has changed a lot of lives and will continue to do so for years to come.
Kaelin wanted to make a cake for your birthday. Him and I went to the grocery store and picked out all the supplies. Know that I love you even though your cake came from a box. Its just the only way your mom knows how to bake! Kaelin helped me make the cake and decorated it himself. This is how he chose to honor you on your birthday. He wanted to help make your day special, and he did. He sure misses you. Its hard to see him heartbroken.
Also, as of May 28th The Madden DeLuca Foundation is registered. It was a good day. People are going to know your name. People are going to hear your name and say your name because of something good that has happened to them. That means the world to me.
Happy 1st birthday Madden.
I love you. I love you so much.
Sweet dreams small prince.
xox
Momma
Friday, 24 May 2013
One
Your birthday. It's coming. It's less than two weeks away. You are going to be 1. A whole year old.
I know you are growing, I know you are getting bigger, I know you are feeling so much love, I know you are happy....but it's just so hard to accept.
You are going to be celebrating your very first birthday without us.
What I wouldn't give to wake you up to a big hug, a million kisses and a bunch of balloons. What I wouldn't give for just one kiss.
I miss your sweet little face, your perfect jawline, your big beautiful eyes, your little fingers and tiny little toes. I miss you.
We are celebrating your birthday by making a huge...HUGE....donation to the Stollery in your name. So many people have been so generous and donated so much. The donation includes everything from socks, to blankets, to sleepers, to soothers, to rattles to books. And of course sock monkeys, the one thing that reminds me of you the most.
Your foundation is coming together. We have a number of events planned. Your logo is done, we love it. And your website is just days away from being complete. Everything is moving forward....though I am sure you know that. Its the days I feel I can't keep going that I end up getting the most done, its in those days that I know that you are doing the work for me.
On your birthday you will get your balloons. And so many hugs and kisses with be sealed inside those balloons. I hope you get those too.
I miss you so much sweet little angel.
I love you as big as the sky.
Sending you a million kisses.
xox,
Momma
I know you are growing, I know you are getting bigger, I know you are feeling so much love, I know you are happy....but it's just so hard to accept.
You are going to be celebrating your very first birthday without us.
What I wouldn't give to wake you up to a big hug, a million kisses and a bunch of balloons. What I wouldn't give for just one kiss.
I miss your sweet little face, your perfect jawline, your big beautiful eyes, your little fingers and tiny little toes. I miss you.
We are celebrating your birthday by making a huge...HUGE....donation to the Stollery in your name. So many people have been so generous and donated so much. The donation includes everything from socks, to blankets, to sleepers, to soothers, to rattles to books. And of course sock monkeys, the one thing that reminds me of you the most.
Your foundation is coming together. We have a number of events planned. Your logo is done, we love it. And your website is just days away from being complete. Everything is moving forward....though I am sure you know that. Its the days I feel I can't keep going that I end up getting the most done, its in those days that I know that you are doing the work for me.
On your birthday you will get your balloons. And so many hugs and kisses with be sealed inside those balloons. I hope you get those too.
I miss you so much sweet little angel.
I love you as big as the sky.
Sending you a million kisses.
xox,
Momma
Sunday, 28 April 2013
Wishing away time
Lately I have found myself wishing away time. Wishing the whole first year and all the anniversaries that come along with it would just come and go as quickly as possible. The day we found out about your heart defect, your birthday, your surgery dates, the day you died, and your funeral day. I find myself wishing we were past them all. That time would just move faster and carry us through these days. But then I remember that at the end of these days, you still won't be here and my heart will still be broken.
I have been crying a lot lately. I am missing you even more. Living without you isn't getting easier yet. I don't think it ever will. I don't think my heart is done breaking yet.
A lot has happened since I last wrote and we are finally so close to registering a non profit in your name. It will be registered within the week. Our first event is already planned and well underway. On your birthday we will be making a big donation to the Stollery in your name in the form of sleepers, blankets, sock monkeys, books, socks etc. This is how we will celebrate your birthday forever.
We are also planning a soccer tournament in your name at the end of August. Kaelin is planning this one for you. He loves you and misses you so much too.
Ryker has been sending balloons up to you lately, I hope you got them. He's still waiting for you to come back and wants to buy you diapers and set up your crib....if only we had just lent you to the angels..
I saw a picture of kaelin when he was a baby that looked so much like you. So perfect. So sweet. So small. But he was comfortable, home, dressed in clothes, wrapped in blankets, free of wires and tubes. I wish you had been given the same comfort.
Your daddy's birthday was this week. He misses you so much. Our visit at the cemetery was extra heartbreaking. He so wished you were here to celebrate with us, we all did. No happy day will ever be as happy as it was before.
I miss you so much my sweet prince. So much. Sending so much love and a million kisses to you.
Sweet dreams sweet boy.
Momma loves you as big as the sky.
Xoxo
I have been crying a lot lately. I am missing you even more. Living without you isn't getting easier yet. I don't think it ever will. I don't think my heart is done breaking yet.
A lot has happened since I last wrote and we are finally so close to registering a non profit in your name. It will be registered within the week. Our first event is already planned and well underway. On your birthday we will be making a big donation to the Stollery in your name in the form of sleepers, blankets, sock monkeys, books, socks etc. This is how we will celebrate your birthday forever.
We are also planning a soccer tournament in your name at the end of August. Kaelin is planning this one for you. He loves you and misses you so much too.
Ryker has been sending balloons up to you lately, I hope you got them. He's still waiting for you to come back and wants to buy you diapers and set up your crib....if only we had just lent you to the angels..
I saw a picture of kaelin when he was a baby that looked so much like you. So perfect. So sweet. So small. But he was comfortable, home, dressed in clothes, wrapped in blankets, free of wires and tubes. I wish you had been given the same comfort.
Your daddy's birthday was this week. He misses you so much. Our visit at the cemetery was extra heartbreaking. He so wished you were here to celebrate with us, we all did. No happy day will ever be as happy as it was before.
I miss you so much my sweet prince. So much. Sending so much love and a million kisses to you.
Sweet dreams sweet boy.
Momma loves you as big as the sky.
Xoxo
Friday, 1 February 2013
The most incredible gift
Yesterday it was 5 months since the day Madden got his wings and flew with the angels. It was a tough day. I was sad, I missed him. I miss him every minute of every day.
Last night I was talking to Madden like I usually do. Telling him I miss him and love him and hope he is being taken care of. For some reason last night I also started talking to my grandparents, my dad's parents whom I never met - they passed away when my dad was very young. In my heart I just believe that they are together. That they were waiting for Madden to welcome him to heaven. That they are taking care of my baby.
Though in my heart I believe they are all together, my mind wants to know it. While I was talking to my grandparents I asked them to give me a sign that the three of them were together and that my baby is ok, that they are taking care of him. I asked them to give me 3 pennies all together. I know its a lot to ask for but I wanted something concrete, something that would show me beyond a doubt that they are all together.
Later that night I also talked to my dad and asked if he thought they were all together. We talked about my fear of Madden being alone. He believes they are together and it made me feel better.
Today on my way home from work I stopped and picked up Ryker from the dayhome. He was playing around with some stuff in the backseat but I didn't think much of it. We walked in the house and started getting all our winter stuff off. Just as I was about to take his jacket off Ryker looked and me and said "Mom, I want you to have this money, it is very special" and my sweet little delivery boy handed me 3 pennies.
Three pennies all together. The sign I asked for.
No doubt in my mind this was a gift from my son and my grandparents to let me know that they are all together and they are ok. My son is ok. Its the only thing we want as parents, to know our children are ok.
Today I felt Madden's love. Today I found a little bit of peace. Today my baby gave me the most precious gift.
Thank you my sweet prince. I love you as big as the sky. xoxo
Remember February is heart month! This month I am honouring all the heart babies near and far.
Happy heart month! ♥
Last night I was talking to Madden like I usually do. Telling him I miss him and love him and hope he is being taken care of. For some reason last night I also started talking to my grandparents, my dad's parents whom I never met - they passed away when my dad was very young. In my heart I just believe that they are together. That they were waiting for Madden to welcome him to heaven. That they are taking care of my baby.
Though in my heart I believe they are all together, my mind wants to know it. While I was talking to my grandparents I asked them to give me a sign that the three of them were together and that my baby is ok, that they are taking care of him. I asked them to give me 3 pennies all together. I know its a lot to ask for but I wanted something concrete, something that would show me beyond a doubt that they are all together.
Later that night I also talked to my dad and asked if he thought they were all together. We talked about my fear of Madden being alone. He believes they are together and it made me feel better.
Today on my way home from work I stopped and picked up Ryker from the dayhome. He was playing around with some stuff in the backseat but I didn't think much of it. We walked in the house and started getting all our winter stuff off. Just as I was about to take his jacket off Ryker looked and me and said "Mom, I want you to have this money, it is very special" and my sweet little delivery boy handed me 3 pennies.
Three pennies all together. The sign I asked for.
No doubt in my mind this was a gift from my son and my grandparents to let me know that they are all together and they are ok. My son is ok. Its the only thing we want as parents, to know our children are ok.
Today I felt Madden's love. Today I found a little bit of peace. Today my baby gave me the most precious gift.
Thank you my sweet prince. I love you as big as the sky. xoxo
Remember February is heart month! This month I am honouring all the heart babies near and far.
Happy heart month! ♥
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Pennies From Heaven
I have read in numerous books lately and have been told by multiple people that when you find a penny its a sign meaning that someone who has passed on is thinking about you...pennies from heaven.
I have read it so many places and have bought into this belief. I never used to notice pennies...but I do now. Maybe its because I never had a reason to find them before. Or better yet maybe I never had an angel leaving them for me before.
Lately I find pennies everywhere. I love it. I believe that Madden is thinking about me and misses me.
Last night I went to get into bed and pulled back the cover, there sitting on my pillow was a shiny little penny. I usually cry when I am going to sleep because its that quiet time when I am left to my own thoughts. Last night I smiled.
The other day I had to run out to my car to grab two little things for my niece from her carseat. When I came inside and put them down on the counter a little penny fell from my hands. No doubt in my mind, a penny from my sweet prince. A small reminder that not only am I thinking of him, but that he is thinking of me too. It warms the pieces of my broken heart.
I have a small jar that I keep these pennies in at home because I believe they are a little gift from my son...but there is something else that also occupies that jar, a small white feather.
In numerous places it also states that people have received feathers as a sign from loved ones that have crossed over. No matter how many pennies I have found, the feathers just weren't around. I was talking to one of my colleagues at work about pennies and feathers being a sign and I was telling her how upset I was that I never did get a feather. That night after I gave Ryker a bath I was running down the stairs to the main floor and out of the corner of my eye saw someting floating to the ground. I stopped and picked it up. It was a perfect little white feather. I was skeptical. I checked everything I was wearing and looked around to see if I could figure out where it came from. There was nothing. So I smiled and put the feather in with the pennies. Another gift from my angel.
Madden, momma loves you and misses you soo much. I would give anything to give you one more kiss. Sending you all my love, hugs and kisses. I love you as big as the sky sweet prince. xoxo
I have read it so many places and have bought into this belief. I never used to notice pennies...but I do now. Maybe its because I never had a reason to find them before. Or better yet maybe I never had an angel leaving them for me before.
Lately I find pennies everywhere. I love it. I believe that Madden is thinking about me and misses me.
Last night I went to get into bed and pulled back the cover, there sitting on my pillow was a shiny little penny. I usually cry when I am going to sleep because its that quiet time when I am left to my own thoughts. Last night I smiled.
The other day I had to run out to my car to grab two little things for my niece from her carseat. When I came inside and put them down on the counter a little penny fell from my hands. No doubt in my mind, a penny from my sweet prince. A small reminder that not only am I thinking of him, but that he is thinking of me too. It warms the pieces of my broken heart.
I have a small jar that I keep these pennies in at home because I believe they are a little gift from my son...but there is something else that also occupies that jar, a small white feather.
In numerous places it also states that people have received feathers as a sign from loved ones that have crossed over. No matter how many pennies I have found, the feathers just weren't around. I was talking to one of my colleagues at work about pennies and feathers being a sign and I was telling her how upset I was that I never did get a feather. That night after I gave Ryker a bath I was running down the stairs to the main floor and out of the corner of my eye saw someting floating to the ground. I stopped and picked it up. It was a perfect little white feather. I was skeptical. I checked everything I was wearing and looked around to see if I could figure out where it came from. There was nothing. So I smiled and put the feather in with the pennies. Another gift from my angel.
Madden, momma loves you and misses you soo much. I would give anything to give you one more kiss. Sending you all my love, hugs and kisses. I love you as big as the sky sweet prince. xoxo
Thursday, 3 January 2013
On a more positive note
2013 will be what I make it. I have a lot to be happy for and a lot to be thankful for (like the 3 beautiful boys that I am blessed to be the mother of and the two that I still have here to make me smile every day)... This year will be a great year.
The year will not go on without Madden, he will always and forever be a part of our family and will be included in our daily lives.
I feel the need to clarify - when I said I am scared of forgetting I did not mean by any stretch of the imagination that I was scared of forgetting Madden or the love I have for him or the moments we spent together. I am scared of fogetting the details...the perfect curve in his jawline, the way his big beautiful eyes sparkeled, the softness of his cheeks, the way he smelled.... I keep blankets of Madden's in a tightly closed bag to try and keep them smelling like him so that sometimes when I need to I can take those blankets out and smell them...it made me feel so close to him again. I took them out the other day and the smell was gone. I know it doesnt mean that Madden is any farther away from me, it just means that I can no longer smell him and that makes me sad.
Time keeps moving wheather we are ready for it or not. It is a blessing and a curse. But mostly a blessing. Time whisks you through the hard days into beautiful new days. The reason we make it into these beautiful new days is because time keeps moving. It keeps us moving.
We made it through Christmas and New Years. It was hard and it was sad but we made it. And we will make it through many more.
I will never forget Madden, the love I have for him, the time we had together, the way he changed me and so many other people. And I pray I dont ever forget the small details that are so precious to me.
Momma loves you Madden, as big as the sky. Missing you forever. xox
The year will not go on without Madden, he will always and forever be a part of our family and will be included in our daily lives.
I feel the need to clarify - when I said I am scared of forgetting I did not mean by any stretch of the imagination that I was scared of forgetting Madden or the love I have for him or the moments we spent together. I am scared of fogetting the details...the perfect curve in his jawline, the way his big beautiful eyes sparkeled, the softness of his cheeks, the way he smelled.... I keep blankets of Madden's in a tightly closed bag to try and keep them smelling like him so that sometimes when I need to I can take those blankets out and smell them...it made me feel so close to him again. I took them out the other day and the smell was gone. I know it doesnt mean that Madden is any farther away from me, it just means that I can no longer smell him and that makes me sad.
Time keeps moving wheather we are ready for it or not. It is a blessing and a curse. But mostly a blessing. Time whisks you through the hard days into beautiful new days. The reason we make it into these beautiful new days is because time keeps moving. It keeps us moving.
We made it through Christmas and New Years. It was hard and it was sad but we made it. And we will make it through many more.
I will never forget Madden, the love I have for him, the time we had together, the way he changed me and so many other people. And I pray I dont ever forget the small details that are so precious to me.
Momma loves you Madden, as big as the sky. Missing you forever. xox
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
New Years
Its here, 2013... a whole new year.
Usually New Years Eve isn't a big deal to me. It's just another day. The start to a new month. The start to a new year. This year was different. I have been dreading this New Year since it started creeping up.
2012 was a big year for my family. The year our third baby boy was born. The year our third baby boy passed away. The past year brought my husband and I more heartache than we ever imagined possible in our lives, we shed enough tears to fill an ocean. The year also brought us Madden. The perfect addtion to our precious famly of four, the sweetest small angel. The year brought us emotions to degrees we have never felt before: love, joy, loss, sadness, emptiness, heartache, frustration, devastation, lack of knowledge, lack of understanding...
People who have gone to heaven and were fortunate enough to have returned to earth say that the love experienced in heaven is something that we dont have words for on earth. I believe that this is also true for the feelings of sadness experienced when you lose something as precious as your child. There aren't words strong enough on this planet.
I have been having a hard time accepting that we have to leave this year behind, that this year has to end. I am not ready for it to be over. I am not ready to move on from this year. The year had an enormous impact on my family and I dont want to move on. I am not ready. In a way it makes me feel like we are moving farther away from Madden. Farther away from the precious moments we had with him. Farther away from the hugs, kisses and cuddles. Farther away from the perfect additon to our family. Farther away from the memories.
Forgetting scares me. Moving forward scares me. A new year, one without precious moments with Madden scares me.
This new year is big...and I am not ready for it.
I love you my sweet Madden, as big as the sky. Praying you can feel my love up in heaven.
Sending you enough kisses to fill the sky.
I love you. xoxoxoxo
Usually New Years Eve isn't a big deal to me. It's just another day. The start to a new month. The start to a new year. This year was different. I have been dreading this New Year since it started creeping up.
2012 was a big year for my family. The year our third baby boy was born. The year our third baby boy passed away. The past year brought my husband and I more heartache than we ever imagined possible in our lives, we shed enough tears to fill an ocean. The year also brought us Madden. The perfect addtion to our precious famly of four, the sweetest small angel. The year brought us emotions to degrees we have never felt before: love, joy, loss, sadness, emptiness, heartache, frustration, devastation, lack of knowledge, lack of understanding...
People who have gone to heaven and were fortunate enough to have returned to earth say that the love experienced in heaven is something that we dont have words for on earth. I believe that this is also true for the feelings of sadness experienced when you lose something as precious as your child. There aren't words strong enough on this planet.
I have been having a hard time accepting that we have to leave this year behind, that this year has to end. I am not ready for it to be over. I am not ready to move on from this year. The year had an enormous impact on my family and I dont want to move on. I am not ready. In a way it makes me feel like we are moving farther away from Madden. Farther away from the precious moments we had with him. Farther away from the hugs, kisses and cuddles. Farther away from the perfect additon to our family. Farther away from the memories.
Forgetting scares me. Moving forward scares me. A new year, one without precious moments with Madden scares me.
This new year is big...and I am not ready for it.
I love you my sweet Madden, as big as the sky. Praying you can feel my love up in heaven.
Sending you enough kisses to fill the sky.
I love you. xoxoxoxo
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
Enter Guilt & Regret
Sweet Madden, I miss you.
Tomorrow it will be two months since I have seen your sweet face. I have realized in the short time that you have been gone that this isn’t going to get any easier. I am forever going to have that feeling that something is missing, that something isn’t quite right. My heart will forever feel a sense of loss. Time doesn’t heal. Time only numbs.
As days go by, guilt starts to consume. I am consumed by guilt. I should have slept at the hospital more often. I shouldn’t have gone for lunch. I should have known something more was wrong, I am not a doctor but I am a smart woman...and I am your mom, I should have known. I should have pushed harder and fought harder. I should have held on to you longer. I should have told you I loved you more. I should have done more...
I am also consumed by regret. If I had known how things would turn out I would have held you more, kissed you more, told you I loved you more. I would have never taken my hands off of you. I wouldn’t have spent a single second away from you. I would have ignored my phone, my ipad, visitors, doctors, nurses...everything and everyone. I would have spent 3 months completely devoted to you.
There would be no doubt in my mind that you knew how loved you are. I hope you know.
Life without you is hard. It will never be the same.
Your dad and I cry for you every single day. Your brothers really miss you too. Ryker will not sleep wtihout his sock monkey and Kaelin has started sleeping with a picture of you...among everything else of yours he sleeps with.
I believe you are happy up in heaven. Watching over your brothers, your dad and I. I know we will see you again one day. That day just feels too far away.
Your brothers and I decorated a pumpkin for you and brought it to the cemetery. I hope you like it.
There is another baby beside you already. It makes me so sad. I don’t think I single person has been back to visit this baby yet. I don’t know the situation, but I just don’t understand. It breaks my heart.
Please take care of this new little one up in heaven.
Halloween is tomorrow. If you were here I imagine you would have been a monkey. J Happy 1st Halloween Madden.
I love you and miss you as big as the sky my sweet prince. Sending love, hugs and kisses up to heaven. Xox.
Sunday, 14 October 2012
Time
Time goes on but this isn't getting any easier. To be honest, it's getting harder. A week or two I can handle...but forever...forever I don't think I can handle.
There is nothing I want more than to be able to see your sweet little face, kiss your sweet little cheeks and hold your sweet little hands.
I am so sad without you. I think my heart breaks a little more every single day.
I want to go back in time. I want to hold you again. I want to kiss you again. I want to tell you how much I love you again.
I want you back.
Today a bunch of people who love and miss you walked in the hope for little hearts walk in your honor. It was a beautiful day. There were a lot of kids with congenital heart disease there. All little miracles. It was heart warming and heart breaking. I don't understand why you couldn't be one of those success stories.
We will forever do our part to help other little ones living with heart conditions so that they can hopefully overcome whatever challenges they are presented with.
Team Madden bracelets have been made to help raise money for your foundation. The bracelets are very popular. So many people love you and want to support your foundation. I love mt bracelet and will never take it off. It makes me feel like I have a little piece of you with me at all times.
Madden I love you and miss you so much. Words can't describe how I feel. I hope you know how much your family loves you. I hope you felt our love while you were here, I hope you still feel it.
I hope you are being well taken care of. I hope you are happy and pain free. I hope you are watching your big brothers grow and I hope you know how much they love you.
We miss you so much small prince. We love you as big as the sky. Xoxoxo
Love momma ♥
There is nothing I want more than to be able to see your sweet little face, kiss your sweet little cheeks and hold your sweet little hands.
I am so sad without you. I think my heart breaks a little more every single day.
I want to go back in time. I want to hold you again. I want to kiss you again. I want to tell you how much I love you again.
I want you back.
Today a bunch of people who love and miss you walked in the hope for little hearts walk in your honor. It was a beautiful day. There were a lot of kids with congenital heart disease there. All little miracles. It was heart warming and heart breaking. I don't understand why you couldn't be one of those success stories.
We will forever do our part to help other little ones living with heart conditions so that they can hopefully overcome whatever challenges they are presented with.
Team Madden bracelets have been made to help raise money for your foundation. The bracelets are very popular. So many people love you and want to support your foundation. I love mt bracelet and will never take it off. It makes me feel like I have a little piece of you with me at all times.
Madden I love you and miss you so much. Words can't describe how I feel. I hope you know how much your family loves you. I hope you felt our love while you were here, I hope you still feel it.
I hope you are being well taken care of. I hope you are happy and pain free. I hope you are watching your big brothers grow and I hope you know how much they love you.
We miss you so much small prince. We love you as big as the sky. Xoxoxo
Love momma ♥
Thanksgiving
Last weekend we celebrated our first holiday wtihout you. It was hard. I don't understand why you aren't here. You should be. No holiday is going to be the same. They will no longer be solely full of joy. From now on every holiday will also be accompanied by pain and heartache.
I know we have a million things to be thankful for but being thankful this past weekend was harder than it has ever been. I had to force myself to be thankful for the time I had with you instead of being heartbroken that I didn't get more time. I want more time. I am thankful for the time I had with you, it just will never be enough.
I miss you so much. My heart is broken and I think it always will be. Nothing will ever be the same without you.
A lot has happened since I last wrote you. The foundation has been poured at your "spot" which means your headstone can be installed this winter. We approved the design earlier this week so I am hoping that by the middle of November it will be in place. Being able to find you in the snow is important to us.
Ryker's birthday is tomorrow. The only thing he has wanted for his birthday since you were born is for you to be there. Tomorrow is going to be hard. I know he will have fun, I know seeing him having fun will make me smile but I also know that my heart will be missing you all day.
I don't want to do more birthdays or holidays without you.
On Sunday we are doing the Hope for Little Hearts Run. Our family will be walking in your honor to help raise money and awareness for other children with heart conditions. Hopefully we can help make a difference to another family.
We finally have an account open in your name so we can start raising money to help other families facing similar situations as us. Your dad and I are so happy that your name is going to live on forever. You are going to continue making a difference in this world.
I am at the point in my grieving that has me wanting to talk about you constantly. I want to tell every person I see about you. I want everyone to know we lost an angel. I want them to know what you looked like, how much you weighed, what you went through in your short life, strong you were, how much you changed me and so many others...I just want to talk about you.
I miss you Madden, more and more everyday. I know I always will. I don't know how I am supposed to go through the rest of my life without you. It's not fair. I want you back. I pray you will know me and how much I love you when we meet again.
I love you as big as the sky sweet prince. Sending all my love, hugs and kisses up to you in heaven.
Love you,
Momma xoxoxo
I know we have a million things to be thankful for but being thankful this past weekend was harder than it has ever been. I had to force myself to be thankful for the time I had with you instead of being heartbroken that I didn't get more time. I want more time. I am thankful for the time I had with you, it just will never be enough.
I miss you so much. My heart is broken and I think it always will be. Nothing will ever be the same without you.
A lot has happened since I last wrote you. The foundation has been poured at your "spot" which means your headstone can be installed this winter. We approved the design earlier this week so I am hoping that by the middle of November it will be in place. Being able to find you in the snow is important to us.
Ryker's birthday is tomorrow. The only thing he has wanted for his birthday since you were born is for you to be there. Tomorrow is going to be hard. I know he will have fun, I know seeing him having fun will make me smile but I also know that my heart will be missing you all day.
I don't want to do more birthdays or holidays without you.
On Sunday we are doing the Hope for Little Hearts Run. Our family will be walking in your honor to help raise money and awareness for other children with heart conditions. Hopefully we can help make a difference to another family.
We finally have an account open in your name so we can start raising money to help other families facing similar situations as us. Your dad and I are so happy that your name is going to live on forever. You are going to continue making a difference in this world.
I am at the point in my grieving that has me wanting to talk about you constantly. I want to tell every person I see about you. I want everyone to know we lost an angel. I want them to know what you looked like, how much you weighed, what you went through in your short life, strong you were, how much you changed me and so many others...I just want to talk about you.
I miss you Madden, more and more everyday. I know I always will. I don't know how I am supposed to go through the rest of my life without you. It's not fair. I want you back. I pray you will know me and how much I love you when we meet again.
I love you as big as the sky sweet prince. Sending all my love, hugs and kisses up to you in heaven.
Love you,
Momma xoxoxo
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
One month with angel wings
Madden,
You have now had your angel wings for just over a month. It still seems like it was only yesterday that you flew away but also feels like I have been missing your sweet face for a lifetime.
We spent this past weekend remembering and honouring you.
On Friday night we went to visit the spot where your body is laid to rest. Auntie Tracy brought balloons. We all wrote on our balloons and sent them up to you in heaven. Your brothers loved watching the balloons make their way up to you. Your dad and I loved it too. The balloons knew the way to you. They all went together. We could still see them way up in the clouds. I wish I could see you way up there... I miss you.
After the walk the group blew bubbles together for all of your friends up in heaven. We decided to take our bubbles to your grave site and blow them there. It's beautiful and peaceful there.
On Sunday it was a month since you passed away. This day was a day for tears. A day for missing you. A day for loving you. It was also a day for questions and frustrations, for anger and pain. It's not fair. You should be here laying in my arms and I should be holding your hand and kissing your cheek. This will never be ok with me and will never be understood by me. My heart is broken. I miss you so much.
I promise I will not let anyone forget you.
I love you as big as the sky my sweet prince. Sending all my love and hugs ans kisses up to you in heaven.
Love momma.
You have now had your angel wings for just over a month. It still seems like it was only yesterday that you flew away but also feels like I have been missing your sweet face for a lifetime.
We spent this past weekend remembering and honouring you.
On Friday night we went to visit the spot where your body is laid to rest. Auntie Tracy brought balloons. We all wrote on our balloons and sent them up to you in heaven. Your brothers loved watching the balloons make their way up to you. Your dad and I loved it too. The balloons knew the way to you. They all went together. We could still see them way up in the clouds. I wish I could see you way up there... I miss you.
I hope you got the balloons and loved them. They carried with them a little piece of love from each of us.
On Saturday we did the walk to remember. It was beautiful. All the names of the precious babies that flew to heaven long before their parents were ready to let them go were written on the sidewalk. We all walked and read the name of those angels and remembered and honored each one. Seeing your name was emotional. Someone else wrote it. Someone else knows your name. That for some reason means a lot to me.
After the walk the group blew bubbles together for all of your friends up in heaven. We decided to take our bubbles to your grave site and blow them there. It's beautiful and peaceful there.
On Sunday it was a month since you passed away. This day was a day for tears. A day for missing you. A day for loving you. It was also a day for questions and frustrations, for anger and pain. It's not fair. You should be here laying in my arms and I should be holding your hand and kissing your cheek. This will never be ok with me and will never be understood by me. My heart is broken. I miss you so much.
I promise I will not let anyone forget you.
I love you as big as the sky my sweet prince. Sending all my love and hugs ans kisses up to you in heaven.
Love momma.
Friday, 28 September 2012
Pictures
On the day Madden passed away we had a photographer come and take pictures of our family. A family of five that wouldn't have this opportunity again.
Yesterday the photographs came in the mail. The pictures are the most amazing and precious gift we could have ever received. These are memories we will have to cherish forever.
My only regret is that we didn't do this sooner.
A few of my favorites...
Madden I love you and miss you biger than the sky. Sending all my love to you up in heaven. xoxox
Yesterday the photographs came in the mail. The pictures are the most amazing and precious gift we could have ever received. These are memories we will have to cherish forever.
My only regret is that we didn't do this sooner.
A few of my favorites...
Madden I love you and miss you biger than the sky. Sending all my love to you up in heaven. xoxox
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Smile
Madden - I miss you as big as the sky.
Tomorrow you would be 16 weeks old. I wonder what you would be like now if things were different. I am sure I will wonder that forever. I wish I could see your sweet little face and kiss your sweet little lips. I am sure I will wish that forever.
On Friday we went back to the hospital. Back to your unit. Your friend Elias had his second surgery and we wanted to be there for his family like they have been there for us. Elias is doing great and should be home within a few weeks. I know you are looking out for him from up in heaven.
We ran into some of your doctors while we were there. It was nice to see them. They had become such constants in our lives. Being at the hospital again was tough. Seeing your room was even tougher. However being at the hospital was also a little comforting. All our memories with you are there. All those people are the ones who knew you like we did. That place was your home and those people part of your family. I miss them too. We fought for you with those people. Its hard to just walk away.
This past week was smile cookie week. Soo many people ate those cookies in honor of you this week. My facebook page is covered with smile cookies just for you. You are so loved. Here are some of the people honoring you this week.
Your brothers are missing you like crazy right now. Ryker really wants you to come to his birthday party. He is even willing to give you all his toys. He is such a great big brother. He knows you will always be in his heart...but that doesn't even feel good enough to me. I not only want you in my heart but also in my hands.
We love you and miss you as big as the sky small prince. Sending hugs and kisses up to heaven. xoxoxoxo
Tomorrow you would be 16 weeks old. I wonder what you would be like now if things were different. I am sure I will wonder that forever. I wish I could see your sweet little face and kiss your sweet little lips. I am sure I will wish that forever.
On Friday we went back to the hospital. Back to your unit. Your friend Elias had his second surgery and we wanted to be there for his family like they have been there for us. Elias is doing great and should be home within a few weeks. I know you are looking out for him from up in heaven.
We ran into some of your doctors while we were there. It was nice to see them. They had become such constants in our lives. Being at the hospital again was tough. Seeing your room was even tougher. However being at the hospital was also a little comforting. All our memories with you are there. All those people are the ones who knew you like we did. That place was your home and those people part of your family. I miss them too. We fought for you with those people. Its hard to just walk away.
This past week was smile cookie week. Soo many people ate those cookies in honor of you this week. My facebook page is covered with smile cookies just for you. You are so loved. Here are some of the people honoring you this week.
Your brothers are missing you like crazy right now. Ryker really wants you to come to his birthday party. He is even willing to give you all his toys. He is such a great big brother. He knows you will always be in his heart...but that doesn't even feel good enough to me. I not only want you in my heart but also in my hands.
We love you and miss you as big as the sky small prince. Sending hugs and kisses up to heaven. xoxoxoxo
Thursday, 20 September 2012
Truth
The truth is I could sit down every single day and write to you about how much I miss you and how empty I feel now that you are gone. I am unable to find the right words for the way I am feeling inside. I miss you more than words could ever express. My hearts hurts. It longs for you.
It is important to your dad and I that your name lives on forever. Your memory, your name and your story are what we have left to hold on to and we will hold on to them forever. We will also share them with the world.
Your dad and I are in the process of setting up a trust fund in your name. Once that is established we will decide what is the best direction to go with the fund in the fututre. It may be a foundation in your name. It may be piggybacking onto another charity that has similar visions. It may be a non-profit organization. Whatever it may be will be a way for us to keep your memory alive forever.
Our plan is to help families in similiar situations. We know we want to help families with children in the Stollery, maybe even specifically the Paediatric Intensive Care Unit that you were in for so long. We have lots of ideas as to how we can help these families but do not have a definite plan. We have been meeting with other foundations to get ideas as to what the best direction for us will be. We will be meeting with the Stollery foundation next week to see how we are able to work with them.
The most important thing to your dad and I, is that this is in your name. We are doing this because of the way your changed our lives. You made us want to be better people. You inspired us to want to help others.
I don't yet know the direction this is going to take us. The only thing I do know is that because of you we are going to positivly impact the lives of people in need.
Madden, my promise to you is that we will change people's lives. Your name will live on. You will be remembered forever.
By the way we come visit your "spot" everyday. Lots of people come visit you. It looks beautiful. We are working on getting your headstone finished and installed before winter.
Fly fast up in heaven sweet angel. I love you as big as the sky small prince. xoxox
It is important to your dad and I that your name lives on forever. Your memory, your name and your story are what we have left to hold on to and we will hold on to them forever. We will also share them with the world.
Your dad and I are in the process of setting up a trust fund in your name. Once that is established we will decide what is the best direction to go with the fund in the fututre. It may be a foundation in your name. It may be piggybacking onto another charity that has similar visions. It may be a non-profit organization. Whatever it may be will be a way for us to keep your memory alive forever.
Our plan is to help families in similiar situations. We know we want to help families with children in the Stollery, maybe even specifically the Paediatric Intensive Care Unit that you were in for so long. We have lots of ideas as to how we can help these families but do not have a definite plan. We have been meeting with other foundations to get ideas as to what the best direction for us will be. We will be meeting with the Stollery foundation next week to see how we are able to work with them.
The most important thing to your dad and I, is that this is in your name. We are doing this because of the way your changed our lives. You made us want to be better people. You inspired us to want to help others.
I don't yet know the direction this is going to take us. The only thing I do know is that because of you we are going to positivly impact the lives of people in need.
Madden, my promise to you is that we will change people's lives. Your name will live on. You will be remembered forever.
By the way we come visit your "spot" everyday. Lots of people come visit you. It looks beautiful. We are working on getting your headstone finished and installed before winter.
Fly fast up in heaven sweet angel. I love you as big as the sky small prince. xoxox
Saturday, 15 September 2012
This is hard.
Going on without you is hard. So hard. I miss you more and more every day. I miss your chubby little hands, your kissable little cheeks, your soft dark hair, your beautiful dark eyes. I miss it all. I just miss you. Perfect little you.
I am starting to understand how people can continue on in life when they have lost someone so special to them. It's because time doesn't stop. Time doesn't wait for you, it just keep on moving. I didn't know how we would ever make it through your funeral...but we did. We did because the day came and went just like every other day does. Time keeps going no matter how badly I want it to stop and wait for me to be ready for it keep going.
I don't understand why life happens the way it does. I don't understand why you can't be here in my arms where you belong. Your momma is so sad without you.
I hope you know how much I love you and how special you are to me. You mean the world to me. The minute you were born I fell in love with you. I love you with the kind of love that never ends no matter how far away from me you are. It's a special love.
Today the Wallace family came to visit you and the kids brought some teddy bears for you. They also sent a balloon up to heaven for you. I hope you got it.
You are so loved by so many people. People that never even had the chance to meet you. You did amazing things while you were here Madden. You are a true hero.
Sending kisses and all my love up to heaven for you sweet prince. I love you as big as the sky. xoxoxo
I am starting to understand how people can continue on in life when they have lost someone so special to them. It's because time doesn't stop. Time doesn't wait for you, it just keep on moving. I didn't know how we would ever make it through your funeral...but we did. We did because the day came and went just like every other day does. Time keeps going no matter how badly I want it to stop and wait for me to be ready for it keep going.
I don't understand why life happens the way it does. I don't understand why you can't be here in my arms where you belong. Your momma is so sad without you.
I hope you know how much I love you and how special you are to me. You mean the world to me. The minute you were born I fell in love with you. I love you with the kind of love that never ends no matter how far away from me you are. It's a special love.
Today the Wallace family came to visit you and the kids brought some teddy bears for you. They also sent a balloon up to heaven for you. I hope you got it.
You are so loved by so many people. People that never even had the chance to meet you. You did amazing things while you were here Madden. You are a true hero.
Sending kisses and all my love up to heaven for you sweet prince. I love you as big as the sky. xoxoxo
Thursday, 6 September 2012
I MISS YOU
Tomorrow it will be a week since you flew home with the angels.
I miss you so much.
Everyday I miss you more and more. I know that I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. You will forever be in my heart and in my mind.
This past week has been incredibly busy and incredibly hard. We are trying to plan a funeral for you. It's hard when all I really want is to pick you up in my arms and bring you home...still. I don't think that feeling will ever go away.
Tomorrow I get to see you. I can't wait. Even though I know you are up in heaven flying with the angels, seeing your sweet little body free of tubes and wires will make my heart smile and my eyes cry. Tomorrow I will kiss your sweet little cheeks and hold you precious little hands for the last time. I will cherish every moment with you.
You taught me a lot while you were here. Lessons I will never forget. I will be a better mother, a better friend, a better daughter and a better wife because of you.
I promise you that I will think of you every day and visit you constantly. I will be the best mother to you that I can be from down here. I know you are watching over us...but I wish I was watching over you. That's the way its supposed to be.
I love you Madden. I love you my sweet prince. I love you as big as the sky...look around, it's never ending.
Sending hugs and kisses to heaven. xoxoxo
I miss you so much.
Everyday I miss you more and more. I know that I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. You will forever be in my heart and in my mind.
This past week has been incredibly busy and incredibly hard. We are trying to plan a funeral for you. It's hard when all I really want is to pick you up in my arms and bring you home...still. I don't think that feeling will ever go away.
Tomorrow I get to see you. I can't wait. Even though I know you are up in heaven flying with the angels, seeing your sweet little body free of tubes and wires will make my heart smile and my eyes cry. Tomorrow I will kiss your sweet little cheeks and hold you precious little hands for the last time. I will cherish every moment with you.
You taught me a lot while you were here. Lessons I will never forget. I will be a better mother, a better friend, a better daughter and a better wife because of you.
I promise you that I will think of you every day and visit you constantly. I will be the best mother to you that I can be from down here. I know you are watching over us...but I wish I was watching over you. That's the way its supposed to be.
I love you Madden. I love you my sweet prince. I love you as big as the sky...look around, it's never ending.
Sending hugs and kisses to heaven. xoxoxo
Sunday, 2 September 2012
Madden's choice
On Thursday night we knew that Madden was struggling. We sat with the Dr's and discussed our few options and the very slight chance that Madden would survive long enough to make it home one day. They told us the first surgery to place the artificial heart had to be perfect, we needed luck...we needed a miracle. This surgery would be 12 hours long and very trying on a little body that had no reserve. The list of complications were endless and the risk was incredible high. We were given a 10 - 15% chance that Madden would make it. It was a chance, there was still some hope. Even the Dr's were hopeful. We were also told that Madden had very high chances of going in cardiac arrest at any point. I knew we needed to let Kaelin know because he still believed Madden was coming home. In my heart, I knew.
Rocky and I both left the hospital to pick up Kaelin and explain to him that Madden was very sick and didn't have great chances of making it home. My 11 year old son cried his sweet little eyes out. We broke his heart. Kaelin was devastated. We took him to the hospital so he could spend some time with his brother. He sat and read him stories and talked to him while we were there, telling Madden how much he loved him and how he wanted him to come home so Kaelin could show him the world. I took Kaelin home late that night and picked up Ryker from my sister's so we could all be together.
I told my family to all be at the hospital by 9am the next morning so everyone had a chance to spend time with Madden.
Rocky spent the night at the hospital and text me through the night letting me know how our baby was. He asked if he talked me into this next step. He asked if we were grasping at straws. He asked if I truly felt Madden was done, I had felt it for days.
Early in the morning, a little after 6am, I prayed to God to take Madden into his arms if he wasn't going to get through this. I didn't want to put him through another surgery if we were just making him suffer more and prolonging the inevitable that Madden wouldn't be coming home with us.
At 7am Rocky text me and told me to come to the hospital as quick as I could. He told me he thought Madden was making the decision for himself. Madden was telling us he couldn't fight anymore.
I jumped up, got the kids ready, text my family to come as soon as they could and raced to the hospital. We had a team of people in Madden's room trying to get him stable when I arrived. I looked at Rocky and I could see in his face that he too knew that Madden was done fighting. He was tired.
Dr Conradi came into Madden's room and asked Rocky and I if we could sit and talk. He started out by telling us that when he went home the night before he did a lot of thinking about Madden. He tried to piece everything together without any emotion and he came to the conclusion that Madden's chances were too low to put him through anything else. He felt that Madden would not survive. The surgeon in the morning on cardiac rounds confirmed this for him. He asked the group of people involved what they were thinking. Why they would put Madden through something else when the chance he would make it was less that 1%....way less. Dr Conradi told us that the surgeon would not take Madden to surgery because he was too unstable. He also said that with how much Madden had deteriorated overnight he knew he would not survive. This was the end of the road. Rocky and I both knew. We knew Madden was showing us all that he was ready to fly with the angels. We just weren't ready to accept it.
He explained to us how the day would go and how the hospital would give Madden a dignified and peaceful death. We told him it was important for us to have Madden baptised so they arranged that to happen. He asked us if we would consider an autopsy. Immediately I said no. I felt that Madden's little body had been through enough and I didn't want anymore cuts, anymore tubes or anymore pain. I wanted peace for his small body.
Our family all arrived and we all spent the day in the room with Madden telling him we loved him and that we were so proud of him. We had him baptised and we got hand and foot casts made. We tried to get a few hand and foot prints as well. In the early afternoon the Dr came in and asked if I was ready to hold Madden. He also told us that the "move" may be too much for him and he may not make it through. This is how fragile my baby was. They lifted him up with all his tubes and wires and held him while the bed was pulled out and a couch was put in its place. I sat on the couch and my baby was placed in my lap. I held him, kissed him and talked to him. He was perfect. So handsome. So sweet.
Madden spread his wings and flew with the angels at 5:35pm on August 31st, 2012.
We got to hold Madden for a while after he passed. We hugged him and kissed his cheeks and cried. We talked to him and told him we were so proud of how hard to fought. We then got to bath Madden and get him dressed for the first time. After he was bathed and dressed we got to really hold him, the way parents are supposed to hold their babies. It felt so good to snuggle that little body even though we knew his soul had already left us. We cherished our time with him.
The staff from the unit came in and also said goodbye to Madden. They cried with us and hugged us. They asked for service information and told us they would like to attend.
Before Madden passed away the Dr came in to ask us again to reconsider the limited autopsy on Madden. They didn't understand why this had happened and wanted the information for learning. The potential for this autopsy to save another child's life is very much there. We agreed that an autopsy could be completed with the condition that Madden's special heart is returned to him so that it is with him for eternity.
Just about 2 hours after Madden had passed the charge nurse came in to let us know that the autopsy test we had agreed to needed to be done within 2 hours of the time of death. It was time to say goodbye. It was time to leave the hospital for the last time. I wasn't ready. I never would have been ready, We cried. We hugged him and kissed him some more and then laid him down in his little bed and said goodbye to our small prince, our sweet angel.
We then gathered up as much strength as we could and walked out of the hospital leaving our baby for the last time.
We know Madden is in a better place. We know that this was his choice. It doesn't make this any easier.
A friend wrote on my wall "An angel in the book of life wrote down your babies birth, and whispered as she closed the book 'too beautiful for earth' ". This gives me comfort. Madden was too perfect for this world. He touched so many people while he was here. Madden will forever be in my heart.
I love you as big as the sky small prince. I will miss you forever and always carry you with me in my heart. You are a true hero. xoxox
Rocky and I both left the hospital to pick up Kaelin and explain to him that Madden was very sick and didn't have great chances of making it home. My 11 year old son cried his sweet little eyes out. We broke his heart. Kaelin was devastated. We took him to the hospital so he could spend some time with his brother. He sat and read him stories and talked to him while we were there, telling Madden how much he loved him and how he wanted him to come home so Kaelin could show him the world. I took Kaelin home late that night and picked up Ryker from my sister's so we could all be together.
I told my family to all be at the hospital by 9am the next morning so everyone had a chance to spend time with Madden.
Rocky spent the night at the hospital and text me through the night letting me know how our baby was. He asked if he talked me into this next step. He asked if we were grasping at straws. He asked if I truly felt Madden was done, I had felt it for days.
Early in the morning, a little after 6am, I prayed to God to take Madden into his arms if he wasn't going to get through this. I didn't want to put him through another surgery if we were just making him suffer more and prolonging the inevitable that Madden wouldn't be coming home with us.
At 7am Rocky text me and told me to come to the hospital as quick as I could. He told me he thought Madden was making the decision for himself. Madden was telling us he couldn't fight anymore.
I jumped up, got the kids ready, text my family to come as soon as they could and raced to the hospital. We had a team of people in Madden's room trying to get him stable when I arrived. I looked at Rocky and I could see in his face that he too knew that Madden was done fighting. He was tired.
Dr Conradi came into Madden's room and asked Rocky and I if we could sit and talk. He started out by telling us that when he went home the night before he did a lot of thinking about Madden. He tried to piece everything together without any emotion and he came to the conclusion that Madden's chances were too low to put him through anything else. He felt that Madden would not survive. The surgeon in the morning on cardiac rounds confirmed this for him. He asked the group of people involved what they were thinking. Why they would put Madden through something else when the chance he would make it was less that 1%....way less. Dr Conradi told us that the surgeon would not take Madden to surgery because he was too unstable. He also said that with how much Madden had deteriorated overnight he knew he would not survive. This was the end of the road. Rocky and I both knew. We knew Madden was showing us all that he was ready to fly with the angels. We just weren't ready to accept it.
He explained to us how the day would go and how the hospital would give Madden a dignified and peaceful death. We told him it was important for us to have Madden baptised so they arranged that to happen. He asked us if we would consider an autopsy. Immediately I said no. I felt that Madden's little body had been through enough and I didn't want anymore cuts, anymore tubes or anymore pain. I wanted peace for his small body.
Our family all arrived and we all spent the day in the room with Madden telling him we loved him and that we were so proud of him. We had him baptised and we got hand and foot casts made. We tried to get a few hand and foot prints as well. In the early afternoon the Dr came in and asked if I was ready to hold Madden. He also told us that the "move" may be too much for him and he may not make it through. This is how fragile my baby was. They lifted him up with all his tubes and wires and held him while the bed was pulled out and a couch was put in its place. I sat on the couch and my baby was placed in my lap. I held him, kissed him and talked to him. He was perfect. So handsome. So sweet.
Madden was slowly deteriorating through the day and we could see it. We asked everyone to say their goodbyes to Madden so that Rocky and I could have some time alone with him. Everyone kissed him and said goodbye. It was heart wrenching and beautiful at the same time. After everyone was gone Rocky and I traded places and Rocky was able to hold our beautiful boy. Madden began to tell us the time was coming to say goodbye.
Dr Conradi came in and increased Madden's sedation so his passing would be peaceful. He gave us some more time. He then came back in and removed the breathing tube from Madden's nose and turned off all the pumps which included all the life support medication. He turned Madden so that Rocky and I could both hold him while his small soul left his body. Madden took 3 small breathes in our arms and peacefully passed away. He was ready, he was just waiting for us to say it was ok.
Madden spread his wings and flew with the angels at 5:35pm on August 31st, 2012.
We got to hold Madden for a while after he passed. We hugged him and kissed his cheeks and cried. We talked to him and told him we were so proud of how hard to fought. We then got to bath Madden and get him dressed for the first time. After he was bathed and dressed we got to really hold him, the way parents are supposed to hold their babies. It felt so good to snuggle that little body even though we knew his soul had already left us. We cherished our time with him.
The staff from the unit came in and also said goodbye to Madden. They cried with us and hugged us. They asked for service information and told us they would like to attend.
Before Madden passed away the Dr came in to ask us again to reconsider the limited autopsy on Madden. They didn't understand why this had happened and wanted the information for learning. The potential for this autopsy to save another child's life is very much there. We agreed that an autopsy could be completed with the condition that Madden's special heart is returned to him so that it is with him for eternity.
Just about 2 hours after Madden had passed the charge nurse came in to let us know that the autopsy test we had agreed to needed to be done within 2 hours of the time of death. It was time to say goodbye. It was time to leave the hospital for the last time. I wasn't ready. I never would have been ready, We cried. We hugged him and kissed him some more and then laid him down in his little bed and said goodbye to our small prince, our sweet angel.
We then gathered up as much strength as we could and walked out of the hospital leaving our baby for the last time.
We know Madden is in a better place. We know that this was his choice. It doesn't make this any easier.
A friend wrote on my wall "An angel in the book of life wrote down your babies birth, and whispered as she closed the book 'too beautiful for earth' ". This gives me comfort. Madden was too perfect for this world. He touched so many people while he was here. Madden will forever be in my heart.
I love you as big as the sky small prince. I will miss you forever and always carry you with me in my heart. You are a true hero. xoxox
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Candidate?
Today we started the process called "work up" which is getting everything in order to get Madden listed for a transplant. All parties have to be on board with the decision. Madden was seen by numerous specialists and had numerous tests done, including a CT Scan and an ultrasound of his stomach, liver and kidneys.
In the morning we sat down with the transplant team and discussed our option and how fast we could potentially get Madden listed and how long he could wait for a heart. We then spoke to the head of the "artificial heart" department. Basically they have a pump that is connected to the heart and does the work for your heart until you are able to receive a transplant. This step has some incredible risks but an incredible reward if all goes well.
Both conversations went pretty well and were generally positive.
After all tests were done we sat down with the group of decision makers to hear if Madden is a candidate for a transplant. The consensus is that at this time Madden is not a candidate. They do not think Madden will survive a transplant at this stage because he is too sick. What they have decided to give us as an option is to put Madden on a "Berlin Heart" and see if his other organs can recover. If they can then he may be considered a candidate for a transplant. This decision would be made after a couple weeks on the Berlin. The head of the artificial heart department was VERY honest with us. He told us that Madden's chances are as low as they get. This solution is incredibly risky in his situation and he said we need a lot of luck...this would be a miracle if it worked. Madden's chances are not good. He also told us that the chances of Madden ever getting home are a lot lower than the chances of Madden dying. It was a heartbreaking conversation. The group then went on to tell us that if we felt that Madden had been through enough and that this was the end of the road for him they would be on side with that as well. They would offer him a dignified passing and believe we have offered him everything he could handle. This artificial heart is our VERY last chance. They are only offering this to us because they want us to feel like every option has been exhausted for Madden.
The truth is if we don't go for this, Madden will be in heaven by the end of the weekend. If we go for this Madden has a very slim chance of making it but in the end it might already be too late. His organs have been so sick for so long that they may already be too far gone. He needs a miracle.
I am struggling with knowing what Madden wants. I know that I want him to be here and to keep fighting...but it needs to be what Madden wants. Because of this we have put a "do not resuscitate" order on Madden's file. As a parent it was the hardest decision to make. But I have to believe that if Madden really crashes it is his way of telling us that he can't fight anymore, that he has had enough. And I am going to respect him because after everything this little boy has been through it is the least I can do for him. In this situation my only request is that they doctors do everything they can so that we are able to say goodbye to our son, our small hero.
My life has changed so much in such a short time. I still can't believe we are really here...that this is real. The only comfort I have if knowing that I have done what I said I was going to do from the beginning of this journey and that is love Madden as much as I can for as long as I can.
Madden I love you. I love you. I love you.
In the morning we sat down with the transplant team and discussed our option and how fast we could potentially get Madden listed and how long he could wait for a heart. We then spoke to the head of the "artificial heart" department. Basically they have a pump that is connected to the heart and does the work for your heart until you are able to receive a transplant. This step has some incredible risks but an incredible reward if all goes well.
Both conversations went pretty well and were generally positive.
After all tests were done we sat down with the group of decision makers to hear if Madden is a candidate for a transplant. The consensus is that at this time Madden is not a candidate. They do not think Madden will survive a transplant at this stage because he is too sick. What they have decided to give us as an option is to put Madden on a "Berlin Heart" and see if his other organs can recover. If they can then he may be considered a candidate for a transplant. This decision would be made after a couple weeks on the Berlin. The head of the artificial heart department was VERY honest with us. He told us that Madden's chances are as low as they get. This solution is incredibly risky in his situation and he said we need a lot of luck...this would be a miracle if it worked. Madden's chances are not good. He also told us that the chances of Madden ever getting home are a lot lower than the chances of Madden dying. It was a heartbreaking conversation. The group then went on to tell us that if we felt that Madden had been through enough and that this was the end of the road for him they would be on side with that as well. They would offer him a dignified passing and believe we have offered him everything he could handle. This artificial heart is our VERY last chance. They are only offering this to us because they want us to feel like every option has been exhausted for Madden.
The truth is if we don't go for this, Madden will be in heaven by the end of the weekend. If we go for this Madden has a very slim chance of making it but in the end it might already be too late. His organs have been so sick for so long that they may already be too far gone. He needs a miracle.
I am struggling with knowing what Madden wants. I know that I want him to be here and to keep fighting...but it needs to be what Madden wants. Because of this we have put a "do not resuscitate" order on Madden's file. As a parent it was the hardest decision to make. But I have to believe that if Madden really crashes it is his way of telling us that he can't fight anymore, that he has had enough. And I am going to respect him because after everything this little boy has been through it is the least I can do for him. In this situation my only request is that they doctors do everything they can so that we are able to say goodbye to our son, our small hero.
My life has changed so much in such a short time. I still can't believe we are really here...that this is real. The only comfort I have if knowing that I have done what I said I was going to do from the beginning of this journey and that is love Madden as much as I can for as long as I can.
Madden I love you. I love you. I love you.
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