Vision

Tonight my cousin shared with me a vision she had of my sweet boy - he was a toddler, rolling around, playing, giggling and he could talk...but barely. He was happy. He left her with the message that he misses us and wants us to be happy.
Initially I was really happy. I am happy that he is happy. I am happy for the reinforcement that he is still "here".
And then I cried for a really long time. I guess for the last little while I haven't been letting myself truly think about Madden and how much I wish he was here. I haven't let myself think about what he would look like or what he would be like. I haven't let myself think about what it would be like to have him home, to be able to hug him and kiss him or even just touch his small hands. I have thrown myself into helping others and planning events to keep his name going, to keep his memory alive and to keep me sane. But tonight I did. Tonight I let myself truly miss him... And it hurts. It really really hurts. I don't want him to get bigger without us. I don't want him to grow up in heaven. I want him back in my arms. I want him home where he belongs. I just want him back. 

A whole year

Its been so long since I have taken the time to sit down and write...and so much has happened. As of September 12th, we have officially made it through an entire year and all the "firsts". I think, for the most part that I am happy they have passed...and yet there is this little piece of my heart that is sad that we keep moving further away from the time we had with you.

Since I last wrote we had your memorial soccer tournament. It was amazing.

We had a total of 33 teams register in the tournament and a little over 20 kids for the u6 age group for a total of 250+ players. We were a little overwhelmed by the numbers and the support. The weekend was beautiful and the weather couldn't have been better.

CTV invited us to be guests on their morning news show on the Thursday morning before the tournament. Your dad and I were super nervous about doing a live interview but knew it was something we should do to create awareness around your foundation http://edmonton.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=988995.
CTV also stopped by on the Sunday of the tournament and ran another spot on the 6 o'clock news http://www.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=990779. We feel incredibly fortunate to have had them support our event.

To top off the weekend we raised just shy of $11,000 for your foundation. This money will allow us to give back even more in your name. ♥

 

There were many amazing moments throughout the weekend but a couple that really stand out are:

Rocky and I being presented a check from a u10 SWU girls teams who had a lemonade stand to raise money for your foundation.  An incredibly touching and thoughtful gesture from a group of amazing girls.
Receiving blue roses from the Kaelin's soccer team (and a few additional special people)  at the end of the tournament. This was probably the most memorable moment of the tournament for me. In this moment I knew you were there. I knew this was you telling us that you were with us and that you were proud of us.

A couple days after the tournament ended I received and email from a mother of one of the players letting us know that they had their daughter read our story prior to the tournament so she that her daughter understood why she was playing. They asked her to think of you before she played every game and to let you know that she was playing for you. This particularly made my heart smile.
So many teams had “MADDEN” cheers before games. I loved that so many teams truly played with you in their heart.
Another moment that made the weekend for me was finding out that Dr Duff had registered his son in the tournament and then seeing him on the weekend. (Dr. Duff was the intensivist on in PICU the night you were admitted)
And likely my favorite memory of this tournament was seeing all the teams wearing the tournament shirts and knowing that all these people now know your name. That to me means more than I can explain.

The weekend after the tournament brought the 1 year anniversary of your angel day. It was an incredibly difficult weekend for us all. A whole year. In some ways it seems unreal that this much time has gone by...and at the same time it feels like a lifetime since I have seen your sweet face. Your daddy wrote this about your angel day and I wanted to share it with you:

I can't believe it's been a year since I said good bye to you Madden. Been a year since I last touched you since I last put my cheek on yours. A year has past since I was able to kiss you and when all the wires were out was able to hold you. Amazing what a year feels like to me when I think of you Madden. It feels like 5 minutes ago I walked out of that room never to be able to hold you again and ...yet at the same time the pain feels like a 100 years have gone by. Your daddy misses you more then anything in the whole world. August 31 2012 I not only lost a son but I lost a hero and I lost a piece of me. Today in a way doesn't feel different then any other day. I still cry for you. I still 11:11 wish somehow you could come back on all those other days. Today though just is that reminder that I had to make a decision no parent wants to ever make. I had to say good bye. I'm proud to say at 41 years old I will be sleeping with a sock monkey and a baby's blanket tonight and as always I will be hoping and wishing your day in heaven was good. Daddy loves you Madden.

 

Life without you isn't easy. Days without you are long and hard. Your brothers really miss you. Ryker still believes you are coming back, its hard to tell him you aren't when we all want it so bad. Forever is just too long. Forever isn't fair.

 

And so to help us keep going we will continue to give back in your name and hopefully give a couple families some encouragement while we continue to learn how to live with you in our hearts and not our arms.

 

We love you and we miss you so much sweet boy. 

Sending you so much love to heaven. 

xox

Momma 

You are 1.

Madden,

This post should have been written a few days ago. Im sorry it didn't come sooner. The truth is, I have had a hard time bringing myself to sit down and write about your birthday. I just can't believe it has truly been a year since I first held you in my arms. I can't beleive you would be 1. Its hard because your birthday should be a celebration. It was the day you were born, the day I got to meet the sweet little boy growing inside me, the day I got to kiss your sweet cheeks. It was a day I will never forget.

As much as I want this year of firsts to pass I also want time to stop. I don't want to get any further from the memories. I dont want to get any further from the feeling of holding you in my arms. I don't want to forget the way you smelled, the way you smirked ot the wise-beyond-years look in your eyes. 

Your blankets hidden in my closet have lost your smell. I can't afford to lose memories too.

Your birthday. It really was a beautiful day...but it was hard. It was so hard. I probably cried 5x before 10am. I just so wish things were different. I know the angels were celebrating with you, I wish we got to celebrate together.

We started the day by dropping off a HUGE donation at the Stollery. So many people contributed to the donation. Well over 1500 items were donated in your name. The hospital staff were so overwhelmed. We were so overwhelmed. The love that was put into that donation came from far and wide. You are a very special little boy that has changed a lot of lives and will continue to do so for years to come.

Kaelin wanted to make a cake for your birthday. Him and I went to the grocery store and picked out all the supplies. Know that I love you even though your cake came from a box. Its just the only way your mom knows how to bake! Kaelin helped me make the cake and decorated it himself. This is how he chose to honor you on your birthday. He wanted to help make your day special, and he did. He sure misses you. Its hard to see him heartbroken.

Later on we went to your gravesite to release balloons. A lot of people that love you showed up to wish you a happy birthday. There were tons of balloons released. Each of those balloons had love in them for you and a message attached, I hope you got them all. I hope your birthday was a special day. I hope you felt so much love from all of us. I hope you looked down on us and knew how loved and missed you are.

Also, as of May 28th The Madden DeLuca Foundation is registered. It was a good day. People are going to know your name. People are going to hear your name and say your name because of something good that has happened to them. That means the world to me.

Happy 1st birthday Madden.

I love you. I love you so much.
Sweet dreams small prince.
xox
Momma

One

Your birthday. It's coming. It's less than two weeks away. You are going to be 1. A whole year old.
I know you are growing, I know you are getting bigger, I know you are feeling so much love, I know you are happy....but it's just so hard to accept.

You are going to be celebrating your very first birthday without us.

What I wouldn't give to wake you up to a big hug, a million kisses and a bunch of balloons. What I wouldn't give for just one kiss.

I miss your sweet little face, your perfect jawline, your big beautiful eyes, your little fingers and tiny little toes. I miss you.

We are celebrating your birthday by making a huge...HUGE....donation to the Stollery in your name. So many people have been so generous and donated so much. The donation includes everything from socks, to blankets, to sleepers, to soothers, to rattles to books. And of course sock monkeys, the one thing that reminds me of you the most.

Your foundation is coming together. We have a number of events planned. Your logo is done, we love it. And your website is just days away from being complete. Everything is moving forward....though I am sure you know that. Its the days I feel I can't keep going that I end up getting the most done, its in those days that I know that you are doing the work for me.

On your birthday you will get your balloons. And so many hugs and kisses with be sealed inside those balloons. I hope you get those too.

I miss you so much sweet little angel.
I love you as big as the sky.
Sending you a million kisses.
xox,
Momma

Wishing away time

Lately I have found myself wishing away time. Wishing the whole first year and all the anniversaries that come along with it would just come and go as quickly as possible. The day we found out about your heart defect, your birthday, your surgery dates, the day you died, and your funeral day. I find myself wishing we were past them all. That time would just move faster and carry us through these days. But then I remember that at the end of these days, you still won't be here and my heart will still be broken.

I have been crying a lot lately. I am missing you even more. Living without you isn't getting easier yet. I don't think it ever will. I don't think my heart is done breaking yet.

A lot has happened since I last wrote and we are finally so close to registering a non profit in your name. It will be registered within the week. Our first event is already planned and well underway. On your birthday we will be making a big donation to the Stollery in your name in the form of sleepers, blankets, sock monkeys, books, socks etc. This is how we will celebrate your birthday forever.

We are also planning a soccer tournament in your name at the end of August. Kaelin is planning this one for you. He loves you and misses you so much too.

Ryker has been sending balloons up to you lately, I hope you got them. He's still waiting for you to come back and wants to buy you diapers and set up your crib....if only we had just lent you to the angels..

I saw a picture of kaelin when he was a baby that looked so much like you. So perfect. So sweet. So small. But he was comfortable, home, dressed in clothes, wrapped in blankets, free of wires and tubes. I wish you had been given the same comfort.

Your daddy's birthday was this week. He misses you so much. Our visit at the cemetery was extra heartbreaking. He so wished you were here to celebrate with us, we all did.  No happy day will ever be as happy as it was before.

I miss you so much my sweet prince. So much. Sending so much love and a million kisses to you.
Sweet dreams sweet boy.
Momma loves you as big as the sky.
Xoxo

The most incredible gift

Yesterday it was 5 months since the day Madden got his wings and flew with the angels. It was a tough day. I was sad, I missed him. I miss him every minute of every day.

Last night I was talking to Madden like I usually do. Telling him I miss him and love him and hope he is being taken care of. For some reason last night I also started talking to my grandparents, my dad's parents whom I never met - they passed away when my dad was very young. In my heart I just believe that they are together. That they were waiting for Madden to welcome him to heaven. That they are taking care of my baby.

Though in my heart I believe they are all together, my mind wants to know it. While I was talking to my grandparents I asked them to give me a sign that the three of them were together and that my baby is ok, that they are taking care of him. I asked them to give me 3 pennies all together. I know its a lot to ask for but I wanted something concrete, something that would show me beyond a doubt that they are all together.

Later that night I also talked to my dad and asked if he thought they were all together. We talked about my fear of Madden being alone. He believes they are together and it made me feel better.

Today on my way home from work I stopped and picked up Ryker from the dayhome. He was playing around with some stuff in the backseat but I didn't think much of it. We walked in the house and started getting all our winter stuff off. Just  as I was about to take his jacket off Ryker looked and me and said "Mom, I want you to have this money, it is very special" and my sweet little delivery boy handed me 3 pennies.

Three pennies all together. The sign I asked for.

No doubt in my mind this was a gift from my son and my grandparents to let me know that they are all together and they are ok. My son is ok. Its the only thing we want as parents, to know our children are ok.

Today I felt Madden's love. Today I found a little bit of peace. Today my baby gave me the most precious gift.

Thank you my sweet prince. I love you as big as the sky. xoxo

Remember February is heart month! This month I am honouring all the heart babies near and far.
Happy heart month! ♥

Pennies From Heaven

I have read in numerous books lately and have been told by multiple people that when you find a penny its a sign meaning that someone who has passed on is thinking about you...pennies from heaven.

I have read it so many places and have bought into this belief. I never used to notice pennies...but I do now. Maybe its because I never had a reason to find them before. Or better yet maybe I never had an angel leaving them for me before.

Lately I find pennies everywhere. I love it. I believe that Madden is thinking about me and misses me.

Last night I went to get into bed and pulled back the cover, there sitting on my pillow was a shiny little penny. I usually cry when I am going to sleep because its that quiet time when I am left to my own thoughts. Last night I smiled.

The other day I had to run out to my car to grab two little things for my niece from her carseat. When I came inside and put them down on the counter a little penny fell from my hands. No doubt in my mind, a penny from my sweet prince. A small reminder that not only am I thinking of him, but that he is thinking of me too. It warms the pieces of my broken heart.

I have a small jar that I keep these pennies in at home because I believe they are a little gift from my son...but there is something else that also occupies that jar, a small white feather.

In numerous places it also states that people have received feathers as a sign from loved ones that have crossed over. No matter how many pennies I have found, the feathers just weren't around. I was talking to one of my colleagues at work about pennies and feathers being a sign and I was telling her how upset I was that I never did get a feather. That night after I gave Ryker a bath I was running down the stairs to the main floor and out of the corner of my eye saw someting floating to the ground. I stopped and picked it up. It was a perfect little white feather. I was skeptical. I checked everything I was wearing and looked around to see if I could figure out where it came from. There was nothing. So I smiled and put the feather in with the pennies. Another gift from my angel.

Madden, momma loves you and misses you soo much. I would give anything to give you one more kiss. Sending you all my love, hugs and kisses. I love you as big as the sky sweet prince. xoxo